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Sometimes, at night, when I'm not trying to think of something to write that will be wildly misinterpreted, I like to read. I got about halfway through Curious George and the Suprise Party when I realized I just couldn't handle the mounting tension anymore so I moved to something a little lighter: Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail. Having little to no interest in politics, but having enjoyed Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Rum Diaries and The Hell's Angels, I figured I'd give myself a rare glimpse into the world of mud slinging through the eyes of gonzo journalism. As suspected, most of the s*** went straight over my head. Either it was a societal disconnect or it takes a reader with greater information and sensibilities than I to interpret. Either way, it was a pretty slow read. And he uses the N-word, which made me feel uncomfortable in my suburban, lower-middle class home. Though one passage in particular caught my eye. It was a passage that spoke to me as a hack writer--one who has been chastised as often as praised: "So much for Objective Journalism. Don't bother to look for it here--not under any byline of mine; or anyone else I can think of. With the possible exception of things like box scores, race results, and stock market tabulations, there is no such thing as Objective Journalism. The phrase itself is a pompous contradiction in terms."
~ Hunter S. Thompson
This inspired me, but not in the way you might think. While I never refer to myself as a journalist and I do--believe it or not--believe that I am objective when it comes to MMA fights. My views and comments have nothing to do with a fighter as a person. Who you are outside the cage doesn't matter to me.
You win or you lose. That's your job.
It's cold and callous...and objective.
So, instead of writing round play-by-plays, I am literally going to phone this one in. No write ups, just results via text...with possible witticisms because since there are like seven bars Iin this place, thus be drunk as a monkey.
I mean, come on, if you can't throw a f***ing jab, how am I supposed to not call you out on it? With or without a bloody mary, two screwdrivers and four tallboys...
Dion Kriz (0-1) vs. Charlie Anozie (2-1)
Results: Charlie anozie via TKO at 2:40 of the 1st round.
Dale Walters (0-12) vs. Ed Albrecht (1-1)
Results: Ed Albrecht via submission due to rear naked choke at :29 of the 2nd round
You know honey badger, there are Gyms in and around the eagan area that teach boxing and grappling...
Khaled Afara (0-0) vs. Marc Gomez (0-1)
Results: marc gomez via TKO at 2:29 of the 1st round...after 40 or so unanswered punches from mount
Marc gomez has both the most lively crew and the most emotional post-fight reaction this side of nate quarry. damn.
Drew Breckling (0-0) vs. Michael Jokondo (1-0)
Results: Michael Jokondo via submission due to triangle choke at :57 of the 3rd round.
*sigh* It's just not the same when she isn't really here.
Ash Majek (5-2) vs. Nick Palmer (3-4)
Results: Ash Majek via unanimous decision (29-28, 29-28, 30-27)
Not gonna lie,all the smarta** comments i had loaded up involved "watch out for that left hand"/KO jokes...so...damn...
Lightweight Title Fight
Alex Wiggs Jr. (4-0) vs. Cameron Gilliam (8-1)
Results: Cameron Gilliam via submission due to triangle choke at :50 of the 2nd round.
Ben Neumann (6-3) vs. Jeremy Castro (11-13)
Results: Ben Neumann via submission due to rear naked choke at 2:00 of the 1st round.
So, i kind told Ben's cornerman Garret's i wouldnt comment on his voice cracking, but...I'm a liar. Oh, and Ben did a move worth YouTubing.
Rick Jackson (4-2) vs. Mike Zimmer (3-2-1)
Results: Mike Zimmer via submission due to rear naked choke at 3:58 of the 1st round.
INTERMISSION...i want a taco...
Starr Roberts (4-19) vs. Roland Larson (1-6)
Results: Roland Larson via submission due to heelhook at 2:45 of the 1st round.
So, I hear there's this thing in Thailand called a "tiger show"...I wanna train in thailand...
Featherweight Title Fight
Jordan Neer (5-0) vs. Nick Compton (9-3)
Results: Nick Compton via submission due to armbar at 2:51 of the 1st round.
Serious tough points to Compton for getting spiked twice going for the first armbar and staying calm enough to lock up the second. damn.
Welterweight Title Fight
Nate Howe (7-2) vs. Ben Smith (9-2)
Results: ben smith via unanimous decision 49-46, 48-47, 48-47
And the "getting blood on me" streak continues...
By the way, best f***ing fight ive seen in a loooong time.
Satisfied? I don't give a s***.
When trying to choose the right salsa dance studio for you, there are a lot of things to consider. Do not, I repeat, do not take this decision lightly.
First you need to think long and hard if salsa dancing is really for you. Sure the Latin rhythms can get into your blood, even your very soul, admittedly, I'm not immune to such temptation, but that doesn't mean you are ready for the sort movements involved in highly skilled salsa dancing.
Sure, you can do your research, you can learn the terms and the moves on youtube: cross-body lead, reverse cross-body, copa, reverse copa, hook turn, enchufe, enchufe doble and sombrero.
It also doesn't mean that just because you and your partner signed up for lessons that you will be the next Candice & Lautaro.
So make sure to take your time and really consider if salsa dancing is for you.
I'm in kind of a weird place right now.
So you can expect more of this s***.
Dale Walters (0-12) vs. Sam Khom (0-5)
Round 1) Admittedly, I’m not really paying attention as this fight starts so I’ll save the actual specifics for YouTube. Not expecting this fight to get out of the first, Walters comes out in his traditional aggressive fashion, though neither seems to be presenting anything solid in the way of striking or grappling skills. Oh, case in point, Walters gave rubber guard a shot…okay…and now Khom has a headlock…is Walters actually choking? Are you f***ing kidding me? He tapped.
Results: Sam Khom at 2:44 of the 1st round via submission due to headlock/bulldog choke (yeah, you read that correctly)
Raul Rodriguez (1-2) vs. Lucas Luloff (0-1)
Round 1) Luloff starts off the round working some boxing and throws a flurry that gets Rodriguez concerned enough to tie up. Luloff keeps the action against the cage and Rodriguez slips in an uppercut right before Luloff breaks off and throws another strong flurry. Both men start throwing heavy hooks and the round ends with Luloff tying up.
Round 2) Rodriguez’s nose is bloody and the two trade leg kicks before Rodriguez ties up again. The action stales for a while and the ref is finally forced to break the two. Luloff lands a leg kick and a right cross then gets a thai plum. It looks like Luloff wants to throw knees (illegal in ammy fights). The round ends with Luloff controlling the action, but not landing any additional shots.
Round 3) Rodriguez, probably sensing that he is behind, comes out the aggressor and it is Luloff that ties up. It looks like Luloff wants a single, but Rodriguez easily stuffs it and gets side control out of it. Luloff gets his guard back and it looks like Rodriguez gives a single tap to an armbar, but the fight continues and Rodriguez slips out, back to cross side. Luloff does what he can to minimize the head and body shots and is able to stand as the round ends.
Results: Lucas Luloff via unanimous decision (28-28 on all cards)
Alex Wiggs (1-0) vs. Charlie Anozie (2-0)
Round 1) Wiggs hits a hard leg kick and Anozie shoots in and Wiggs is able to reverse the takedown, but Anozie doesn’t stay down for long. Wiggs goes for the double as they stand and Anozie adjusts quickly as the land, locking up what appears to be a very tight triangle…how is Wiggs not tapping…how did Wiggs escape? Damn. Anozie stands and the two circle as the round ends.
Thank you Deejay St. Joel for making Dani bounce.
I can't believe you missed the live version. Look at her, it's like she's staring in the the spot where my soul used to be. You know, before I drowned it in cheap whiskey, 80s power ballads and shame.
I'm just kidding. I don't have any f***ing shame.
Round 2) Anozie’s right eye is bruised as the round starts and immediately goes for a body lock. Wiggs goes for a guillotine, but Anozie takes it to the ground and passes to side control. Wiggs holds the headlock and Anozie tries to find the Von Flue choke, but Wiggs is able to escape and stand again. They circle and Anozie shoots again, HOLY F***! Wiggs with a monster belly-to-belly suplex slam! Anozie gets back to open guard and slows the pace as the round ends.
Round 3) Anozie is on the receiving end of another huge belly-to-belly and is almost able to get a sort of modified lasso sweep, but Wiggs stands again. The two tie up against the cage…they break, circle, tie up again…Wiggs hits another belly-to-belly and Anozie tries to snag an arm, but Wiggs ends up in top half guard, landing shots as the round ends.
Results: Alex Wiggs via unanimous decision (29-28, 30-27, 29-28)
Dustin Murphy (3-1) vs. Ed Albrecht (1-0)
Round 1) Both men come out with authority, but it’s Murphy that’s able to control the pace. Albrecht circles away toward the cage and both men throw flurries. F***! Albrecht goes stiff for a moment from what looks like a Murphy right hand. Albrecht drops to the mat and tries to cover up, but Murphy adds a few more and the ref waves it off.
Results: Dustin Murphy via TKO at :29 of the 1st round (keeping the much appreciate fast knockout streak alive might I add)
An often over looked method to potty train a puppy it to immediately scoop up the puppy when you catch it starting to go to the bathroom. Hold them in a seated position with their tail between their legs (even if it’s a little messy) and get the dog to the grass all the while saying “outside, outside, outside”.
Place the puppy on the grass and let it finish it's business. Even if your dog doesn’t have to go anymore, praise the dog for doing a good job. This will reinforce not only where they are supposed to go, but that going to the bathroom is a good thing. Scolding the dog for going to the bathroom will only confuse them and make training more difficult in the future.
Andrew Conway (2-1) vs. Ty Bowling (1-0)
Round 1) Conway rushes in with some off balance strikes and Bowling has no trouble getting the double leg and passing to half guard. Bowling passes to side control, but Conway gets half guard back. Bowling starts throwing body punches, Conway turns to escape, but Bowling keeps the control and lands some solid head punches. Conway is forced to move back to half guard and cover as the round ends.
Round 2) Bowlings hands are low as he throws some slapping leg kicks, it’s no surprise when he goes for and gets the double leg. Conway is able to get open full guard and Bowling passes to half. Conway nearly gets the sweep, but Bowling bullies him back down. The ref stands the two fighters and Conway goes for a reaching uppercut, only to be hit with a huge double. Bowling gets mount and keeps punching til the ref steps in.
Results: Ty Bowling via TKO at 2:08 of the 2nd round
Clarence Jordan (3-1) vs. Bobby Ferrier (8-23)
Round 1) Jordan comes out quick working combinations and Ferrier does what he can to keep up with the pace. Jordan shoots in, but Ferrier is able to sprawl. It looks like Ferrier is trying to sink in a 7-year-old choke, but Jordan is able to escape. Jordan works to Ferrier’s back and quickly sinks hooks and the rear naked choke. Ferrier taps.
Results: Clarence Jordan via submission due to rear naked choke at 1:25 of the 1st round
Carl Deaton III (5-1) vs Brian Learn (20-18-3)
Round 1) Learn is the aggressor with jabs and leg kicks, but Deaton hits the double leg, landing in closed guard. Learn tries to angle out, but Deaton starts landing some heavy punches, forcing Learn to turn over. The ref pauses the action due to punches to the back of the head. The two fighters stand, but not for long. Deaton gets the takedown, passes, Learn turtles and Deaton punches until the fight is stopped.
Results: Carl Deaton III via TKO at 4:00 of the 1st round
Should you ever accidentally break a glass on your floor, use a piece of bread to wipe up any small fragments that you might not be able to see. It can be white bread or wheat. Gluten free isn’t really bread, so don’t use it. Do not eat the bread after you’ve used it.
Mike Zimmer (3-2) vs. DeAngelo Curtis (2-4)
Round 1) They trade shots right away, but Zimmer sticks out a half dozen crisp jabs that makes Curtis circle away. Zimmer has a couple solid combinations before Curtis hits a slamming takedown and avoids a triangle attempt. Zimmer is able to escape and Curtis ties up. The action is paused as Curtis lands a couple elbows to the back of Zimmer’s head. Curtis is deducted a point by the ref and Zimmer takes time to recover.
As they start again, Curtis gets a single and Zimmer works to lock up a kimura, but Curtis keeps his arm straight and avoids. Curtis stays aggressive in top half guard and Zimmer is able to stand momentarily right before the round ends. That point is gonna haunt…
Round 2) Curtis opens up with some head kicks attempts and it is Zimmer that gets the bear hug takedown against the cage. Curtis gets full guard and they eventually stand. Curtis sticks a jab and throws a superman punch, Zimmer responds with a few punches and a knee. Curtis gets another takedown to half guard, where the round ends.
Round 3) Curtis goes for a takedown and almost lands in a triangle. Zimmer is able to sit up and Curtis gets full guard. Curtis turns control the arm and turns his hips over, looking for a belly-down armbar. Zimmer defends…and defends…and defends. Eventually, Curtis lets the sub go and moves to the back looking for hooks over what appears to be an open RNC. The round ends with Curtis in control.
Results: Majority draw…see, I told ya so. 28-28, 29-27 (Curtis) and 28-28
Jordan Fass (8-4) vs. Chase Waldon (5-1)
Round 1) Fass forces the clinch against the cage and Waldon delivers some surprising knees and short elbows, but Fass maintains control against the cage working knees and…shoulder butts? The clinch FINALLY breaks and Waldon comes out with a vengeance. He starts throwing some fierce punches and kicks…did I just use the word “fierce”? Fass shoots but Waldon sprawls and keeps working until the round ends.
Round 2) Waldon lands a vicious overhand right that sends Fass to the canvas. Waldon pounces, but Fass rolls and moves to an omoplata, then a heel hook. It looks deep and Waldon looks in pain, but he is able to endure and escape. They stand and Waldon bullies it back to the ground. Waldon looks in pain as he moves to Fass’s back, but can’t find the choke…s***, so much is happening, I can’t follow it all. Check the fight out when it posts on YouTube. Fight of the Night.
Almost didn’t notice that Dani just bounced by. Almost.
Round 3) Fass wants to tie up early, but Waldon wants the trip even more, bringing the fight to the ground. Fass gets his guard back...sorry, just being a fan, no details… Fass looks for a kimura and almost gives up his back in the process. Waldon dives forward for a guillotine and Fess is able to hold out until the round ends.
Results: Chase Waldon via unanimous decision (30-27, 29-28, 30-27)
Mike Hernandez (4-1) vs. Marvin Blumer (8-3)
Round 1) Hernandez stays mobile and works his boxing, but Blumer continues to pursue without cutting off the angle. Hernandez continues to work his hands and Blumer finally finds a double leg takedown. Hernandez is back to his feet quickly. They separate and Hernandez bounces away. Blumer stays patient and pursues. They trade some nasty punches as the round ends.
Round 2) Hernandez opens with more boxing and movement. Blumer stays in the pocket and kinds a home for his right cross. Hernandez drops to his chin and his eyes got blank for a moment. Blumer pounces, gets his hooks and flattens Hernandez out. The punches start and don’t stop until the ref has seen enough.
An impressive win against a very able striker…but someone please cap Marvin’s microphone time to something under 10 minutes.
Results: Marvin Blumer via TKO at 2:49 of the 2nd round
Tony Zelinski (6-2) vs. Melvin Blumer (8-2)
Round 1) Buncha kicks…it went to the ground…I’m sorry, I’m sure these guys trained really hard and all, but I’m exhausted after the last few fights. I’ll let ya know if anything important happens.
Round 2) Stuff.
Round 3) Blumer goes Marco Ruas (learn your MMA history) on Zelinski’s leg. Zelinski topples in pain and Blumer lands a couple punches before the ref calls it off. Zelinski is in obvious pain and needs to be helped out of the cage.
Results: Melvin Blumer via TKO at 2:05 of the 3rd round
Zach Juusola (9-2) vs. Codie Kahler (4-0)
Round 1) Both men trade single punches and kicks without a combination. The bridge of Kahler’s nose appears to have been cut. Juusola looks calm and circles as he looks for his strikes and takes advantage of his reach. Another punch puts Kahler on his butt, but the ref stops the action because some dips*** spilled a drink off the balcony.
Kahler isn’t showing the same aggression that he’s previously been known for. Crap, I got blood on my computer again. Kahler’s face is showing a lot of damage and he can’t seem to find an answer for what Juusola is presenting. The round ends with Juusola controlling the pace.
Round 2) Kahler comes out with a couple of jump kicks and finally lands a solid cross that forces Juusola to attempt a takedown, but gets stuffed. Juusola comes back with a combination and a couple of knees. The hits keep coming and Juusola lands about three dozen punches, kicks and knees that go unanswered. The ref has seen enough.
Results: Zach Juusola via TKO at 1:44 of the 2nd round
If porcupines developed their quills as a defensive measure over millions of years of evolution, how did whatever it was before it had quills survive that long? I mean, it’s basically just a big guinea pig. That’s the kind of s*** that keeps me up at night.
That and the whiskey spins.
Billy Christianson (9-3) vs. Dan Kiser (11-3)
I’m torn over who to root for. I love the country boy Christianson’s brawling, but Kiser helped me find my wallet. Decisions, decisions. This would be so much easier if I was an unbiased “journalist”.
Crap, is this a five round fight? Not that these two are prone to going the distance, but…it’s about 11:30pm, so, fingers crossed.
Round 1) Both men put out feelers, Christianson tries for a heel kick then blocks a head kick from Kiser. Christianson rushes in and throws a big flurry, catching Kiser with what looked like a left hook. Kiser drops to his knees but stands. Christianson drops him again and follows him to the ground getting both hooks in and digging for a rear naked choke. Kiser cage-walks away and Christianson gets a body triangle. Kiser continues to defend. Christianson turns it to mount at the warning and lands a few more shots before the round ends.
Round 2) Christianson is showing a nasty left hook and he bullies Kiser against the fence. Christianson gets a single and Kiser pulls for a guillotine, Christianson gets to mount and turns for an armbar, but Kiser slips out. Christianson stands and lands a falling punch as he passes to cross side. Kiser turns for an armbar, but Christianson pulls free. Kiser locks up a triangle! But Chirstianson pulls free! Another triangle from Kiser! CHRISTIANSON TAPS OUT! AMAZING FIGHT!
And now there is an exchange of words. Christianson appears pissed that Kiser might have held the choke too long after he tapped. Admittedly, after replay, it did look held a little long.
They hug it out.
Jesus, don’t miss watching the replay of this fight. Amazing from both fighters.
Results: Dan Kiser via submission due to triangle choke 2:56 of the 2nd round
Jesus, I’m exhausted just watching that. Gnite.
As of late, I've been in the midst of a downward spiral of self-destruction. I drank too much, made inappropriate jokes and comments, took no time to consider the struggles others endured and about a dozen other things that are exactly the same as how I am when I'm not having a crappy day.
So, I guess that nothing actually changed.
Damn, self-realization can be a bitch.
I suppose that now is about the time that I should ramble about something or another, but I'm a little boozed up. Yup, day drunk. So I'll just sit back and watch these 16 fights and wait for snark and inspiration to strike all on their own.
Or after I drink some more.
Or after I see Dani. Who should have won the mother f***ing X-girl contest.
I mean, duuuuuuude.
Picture doesn't even do the boy shorts she has on justice.
Marc Gomez (0-0) vs. Michael Jokondo (0-0)
Round 1) The two are trading slapping legs kick early…for a while…Jokondo goes for a jumping switch kick and starts to find a little more aggression in his strikes. Gomez sticks a couple solid punches and Jokondo gets the double to get out of trouble. Jokondo lands in top half guard and stays there as the round ends.
Round 2) Both fighters have switched to punches but nothing solid lands. Jokondo starts to find accuracy in his strikes, but Gomez catches a kick and gets Jokondo to the ground. Jokondo gets closed guard and goes for a sloppy armbar, refusing to let it go despite a few hammer fists to the face. The round ends.
Round 3) You know, for what could potentially be a 1-1 fight, neither fighter seems to have any urgency. I stopped paying attention. Decision.
Result: Michael Jokondo via unanimous decision (30-27 on all cards)
Wait, is Shover entering to “Little Drummer Boy” or am I drunk?
Brian Shover (0-0) vs. Michael Walsh (0-0)
Round 1) Shover seems distracted by the audience pre-fight, but comes out swinging. Walsh returns the favor and clichés up, spinning Shover to the ground and ending up in guard. Walsh stands and tries to pass. Shover sits up, but gives his back and Walsh is all over it working an RNC, then to mount, then to back, then somewhere in between, strikes the whole way through. The ref has seen enough. A dominant debut for the Combat Ju Jitsu fighter.
Result: Michael Walsh via TKO at 1:21 of the 1st round.
Erik Newman (2-0) vs, Jason Huntley (3-2)
Round 1) Newman feels out a couple kicks then gets the single leg. Huntley scrambles to get half guard, almost getting a sweep to mount, but establishing full guard. Huntley stands, but Newman gets it back to the ground. Huntley fights to stand again and the round ends with Newman trying for another takedown.
Round 2) Newman with another takedown as Huntley is looking to size up the knockout punch. Newman passes to side control, but Huntley gets back to guard. Huntley starts working for a kimura, but Newman passes to half guard as the round ends.
Round 3) Newman may be wearing some tiny muay thai shorts, but he is rocking the wrestling with another takedown. Huntley struggles to stand and Newman is able to get back with hooks. He rides that to mount, but Huntley is able to escape and get top side, hopping to the side going for a locked-in arm-triangle. It looks tight, but Newman’s corner is counting down the seconds left in the round. It’s going to a decision.
Result: I can’t really believe this one…it’s a draw. 29-28, 28-29, 29-29. One judge giving round 1 a score of 10-10. While Newman got the takedowns, he wasn’t “going for anything.” Go figure. I’m as surprised as you are.
Marc Renville (3-4) vs. Calvin Grube (3-1)
Round 1) Renville comes out with a muay thai stance and Grube counters with an uppercut. Renville shoots and Grube stuffs, tying up and falling for a cutting armbar. Renville escapes, but stays head down, working Grube’s ribs. Grube keeps threatening a kimura and stuffs for a solid triangle as the round ends.
Dani is bouncy tonight. Yeah me!
Round 2) Renville is the aggressor, but they tie up and Grube jumps guillotine. Renville escapes, but seems disinclined to posture up. Grube moves back and forth between threatening kimura, guillotine and triangle. Renville passes to half guard, but Grube rolls him over. Renville sets up his own triangle as the round ends.
Round 3) Renville is looking strong with his combinations and Grube has no response. Finally Grube retreats, rebounding off the cage and getting the double leg. Renville works quickly locking up a fast triangle and hooking Grube’s leg. The tap comes quickly.
Result: Marc Renville via submission due to triangle at 2:24 of the 3rd round.
Stephanie. That is all.
Darrien Mackiel (1-2) vs. Dustin Murphy (2-1)
Round 1) Murphy comes out aggressively with kick combinations, but Mackiel responds with a stiff jabs that seems to stumble Murphy. Mid scramble/stumble, Murphy is able to put leather to Mackiel’s chin and Mackiel sprawls to the canvas. Murphy follows with another punch, but the ref is already waving it off.
Result: Dustin Murphy via KO at :20 of the 1st round
The other day I was listening to Alone by Heart and I could help but wonder if it was the single greatest music video of all time. It has an exploding piano, a backlit trio of guitarists (none of whom are discernible as male or female), a f***ing horse for some reason, and some amazing vocals. If they make better, someone better let Kanye know.
Tony Francis (3-6) vs. Charles Anozie (1-0)
Round 1) Anozie fakes the superman punch and ties up, eventually, getting the trip to side control. Francis works to his feet, eating a couple of uppercuts. Anozie stays tied up and drags it back to the ground. Francis holds the bottom cross headlock and almost gets Von Flue choked. Francis is able to stand but Anozie bullies forward, locking up the Marcelotine and finishing it from mount.
Result: Charlie Anozie via submission due to guillotine choke at 2:00 of the 1st round
Wayward MMA fans may be the only more delusional fans than football fans. I have been listening to a couple guys behind me all night (seated behind one of the corners no less) yell about who should do what, or what they are doing. They haven’t been right once. Did someone let the Submissions 101 crew in here?
Jesse Rogge (3-5) vs. Jesse Wannemacher (5-2)
Round 1) Rogge ties up immediately and tries for the takedown, but Wannemacher sweeps out of it and they go back to standing. Rogge slips, but Wannemacher lets him stand. Wannamacher lands a nice 1-2 and Rogge jumps guillotine and closed guard, it is deep, but Wannemacher escapes. The round ends with Rogge looking for the closed guard sweep, controlling Wannemacher’s posture.
Round 2) Rogge comes out strong with leg kicks, but Wannemacher is patiently sizing up his punches. Wannemacher keeps landing his two-punch combination. Rogge is getting worn down quickly. Wannemacher wants the knockout, but Rogge just won’t go down. With ten seconds left in the round Wannemacher unloads. Rogge has a granite chin, but his legs look like rubber.
Round 3) Wannemacher is keeping it simple but very effective with his punches. God damn it! I got someone’s blood on me again! I think it is from Rogge, but after spinning away from the cage, I think Wannemacher cuts his brow on the back of Rogge’s head. Rogge is bleeding badly now, it looks like he cut the back of his head on the cage. Wannemacher stands, but Rogge stays on his knees, touching the back of his head. The ref yells to fight, but Rogge waves it off.
Result: Jesse Wannemacher via verbal submission at :58 of the 3rd round
Dale Bennett (0-8) vs. Mark Sainci (0-0)
Round 1) Bennett rushes for an immediate double leg, but Sainci turns it away and takes mount. Sainci turns away, but Bennett stays on him. Bennett tries to buck up as Sainci punches and the ref misses the cage grab. Bennett turns away and Sainci gets his hooks and sinks the RNC. It’s over.
Result: Mark Sainci via submission due to rear naked choke at 1:07 of the 1st round.
Matt Larson (2-3) vs. Shane DeZee (14-21)
Round 1) Larson rushes DeZee and immediately ties up, getting a bear hug takedown to top half guard. Larson postures quickly and starts dropping elbows and hammer fists. DeZee is trying to defend, but can’t seem to get out from under the barrage. DeZee turns toward his stomach. Larson stops punching and the ref waves it off. Dezee appears to be unconscious.
Result: Matt Larson via knockout at 1:09 of the 1st round
Garrett Olson (8-5) vs. Reese Hernandez (7-3-1)
Round 1) I gotta admit, I’m kind of zoning out here. Nothing against the fighters, I'm just sleepy...drunk. I’ll let you know how it ends up…
Result: Reese Hernandez via submission due to rear naked choke at 3:something of the 1st round.
Nate Howe (5-2) vs. Jesse Midas (5-6)
Round 1) Midas throws heavy hands early and Howe wants the takedown. Midas sprawls and Howe sits out and into bottom half-guard. Midas holds a headlock and Howe is able to work back to guard. Midas stands up out of an armbar and the two square up. Midas tries for a falling kimura, but Howe defends and is able to work his way to Midas’s back. He sinks in the choke. Midas resists, but the choke is locked.
Result: Nate Howe via submission due to rear naked choke at 2:13 of the 1st round
Nate Hoffman (5-5) vs. Marcelo Nunes (0-0)
Round 1) Nunes ties up quickly and works from the clinch, eventually dropping for a double and ending up in top half guard. Nunes gets head and arm control and is able to reposition Hoffman and take mount. Hoffman turns over and Nunes gets a body triangle. Hoffman defends well and Nunes shifts to take the armbar from back. Hoffman resists, but can’t hold out. It’s over.
Result: Marcelo Nunes via foregone conclusion… I mean, submission due to armbar at 3:06 of the 1st round
Victor Moreno (42-19) vs. Benjamin Smith (9-2)
Round 1) Smith tries for an early spinning back kick, but Moreno trumps the cool move meter with a belly-to-belly takedown, landing in top half guard. Smith tries to pull a guillotine, but Moreno defends. Smith grabs for an Americana shoulder lock, but it is cross body, he can’t…oh s***, yes he can. Moreno verbally submits and holds his arm in pain.
Result: Benjamin Smith via submission due to almost-impossible Americana at 1:38 of the 1st round. Submission of the night in a night full of submissions.
Dani again. Word. Mother f***ing word.
Jose Pacheco (7-5-1) vs. Dan Moret (5-0)
Round 1) Moret opens with a trademark flurry and Pacheco wants none of it, tying up. Moret gets the leg trip into closed guard. Pacheco ties up head and arm control, but is almost totally inactive save for the occasional sweep attempt, one almost ending with Moret in back control.
Round 2) Moret opens with a hard body kick but misses up top and Pacheco gets a takedown with Moret’s back. Moret slips out and lands a couple standing shots before ending in top half guard. Pacheco turns and gets into closed guard. Moret attempts the armbar and Pacheco passes to side control. Moret reverses to top side and sinks in a north/south choke. Pacheco taps quickly.
Result: Dan Moret via submission due to north/south choke at 3:17 of the 2nd round
A much needed finish for Moret after two straight, uncharacteristic decisions. A great 2nd round, maybe this was submission of the night.
DRILLER PROMOTIONS LIGHTWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Yes, that means five rounds. Normally I would remind you all that means I will be giving about 1 sentence to each round, but I don’t know that this fight will go outside of the 1st round. Bit ‘o’ bad blood here.
Damion Hill (9-2) vs. Jordan Parsons (8-1)
Round 1) Parsons opens up first, but Hill lands the first solid punches. The two are out for blood early, throwing hard and often. Parsons shoots for a takedown and Hill sprawls, grabbing for a guillotine and trying to pull it from half guard. Parsons postures out and grabs a guillotine of his own. It is deep but Hill won't tap. Parsons refuses to let go. It is deep...and it is over!
Result: Jordan Parsons via submission due to guillotine choke in the 1st round
Lots of subs tonight made me happy. Dani and Stephanie made me happier.
A Day In The Life
I awake to the sound of salsa music. Confusion sets in as I neither own a salsa CD, nor tune my radio to a salsa station. All of my radios are tuned sadistically to Prairie Home Companion.
Rolling out of bed, I step over a dog. I no longer check to see if it's my dog, just a dog. Lately, I've started to fall asleep without making sure all of my doors are closed. Sometimes I get strays.
Out of coffee filters, I a left over Twix from Halloween. It must be November. No, that's what they want me to think.
The television glows with the Prozac and espresso-enema infused smiles of morning news anchors. The screen goes black as grab my laptop and opt for MMA news.
“[Some fighter] complains about Ronda Rousey”
“[Some fighter] complains about pay”
“[Some fighter] complains about TRT”
“[Some fighter] complains about NSAC judges”
There is no way to know what day it is. The cycle never changes on weeks without UFC PPVs.
My good sweatpants are dirty. I spend the next five minutes contemplating the series to events and repercussions that have led to a life where I can- and do- differentiate between “good” and “bad” sweatpants. Or a world in which I own more than one pair of sweatpants.
There are 3594 unread message in my inbox. I mark the overdraft notices from my bank as a phishing scam. I’ve long since abandoned opening any email that doesn’t contain job openings or promises of a celebrity sex tape involving Kim Kardashian in which she actually seems to be interested and enjoying herself…watch it for yourself (again) the sound is looped. She dubbed her own sex tape…jesus…
I watched the new one with her look alike Myla Minaj or whatever. It made me feel itchy and sad.
Over the last five months I can hardly remember the days of searching for jobs and taking a PAWG (look it up, you’re welcome) break. I can rarely pronounce the images I see these days. Words can’t describe without fear of people trying to revoke my 1st Amendment rights.
Side note to Japan: What the f***? Why are you blurring that out? To fool me? I mean, that is inappropriate, but a cartoon tentacle is completely acceptable?
I check my fridge. I have two 1.75s of booze, an expired bottle of lime juice, a large bag of Mickey Mouse shaped chicken nuggets from Costco and several empty six-pack rings. I already know that I will eat mac and cheese. Then, being too lazy to boil water again, I will eat a packet of Ramen dry, like a large, salty chicken-flavored Dorito.
I won’t be on the mat today, so I have no need to self-motivate with BJJ highlights. Instead I send out a couple of resumes and start a nonsensical cycle between music videos. Africa by Toto, Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson, Rosanna by Toto, Survivor by Destiny’s Child, Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley, Sister Christian by Night Ranger…and it goes on and on…
The hardest decision I will make all day (besides the decision not to give up and go to bed at 6pm) is deciding between watching the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie or the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 episode “Double 007” starring Sean Connery’s brother, on my phone.
I fall asleep deciding.
Disorientation sets in as I awake on the toilet. How did I get here? The churning in my stomach from all the processed starches provides an answer.
There are fights tonight, I think. Lack of preparation being my MO, I am out the door in a hoodie and jeans that make my sweats look like Armani.
I scan the fight card on my phone as I drive, I only recognize a few names. I know I’ve covered most of their fights in the past, but their names are as foreign as those of my own family. And much like my own family, they have a small window to earn my respect (like that matters). And, exactly like my own family, if they actually do earn my respect, there is a good chance I will forget about them by the time I reach the parking lot.
Guess what, that’s all the longer your win matters. Get back to work.
I pull into the parking lot and take a couple of slugs off the flask in my trunk to help dull my natural desire to rant instead of “report” the world as I see it.
Before I enter the venue I freeze, a single question scrolls through my head: whose life have I just revealed? While there are parallels to my day, I can only speculate as to what forces drove me to make all this s*** up instead of just getting on with reporting the fights. Perhaps it was boredom, perhaps a cry for help.
Probably the latter.
Ed Albrecht (0-0) vs Darrien Mackiel (1-1)
Round 1) Mackiel lands a solid right to open and Albrecht slaps a few leg kicks. Mackiel eats a hook as he closes the distance and Albrecht forces him to the fence. Mackiel catches a kick and trips Albrecht, ending up in top half guard. Albrecht gets a lockdown on the leg, but the two stand quickly. A tie up and Mackiel throws a flurry before tying up again. The round ends with Albrecht against the cage.
Round 2) Mackiel leads with a teep and the two exchange combinations. Albrecht cuts off the cage and Mackiel lands a few solid shots, but Albrecht pushes the pace forcing Mackiel against the cage. Mackiel is punching flat footed and Albrecht drops for a takedown, almost giving up a guillotine. Jesus, why do I always get blood on me at fights. The round ends with me distracted. Big surprise.
Round 3) Albrecht throws heavy early on. He then jumps for an arm-in guillotine that he can’t finish and Mackiel briefly moves to mount. The two stand. Mackiel is bleeding from the nose and from a cut above the eye. Albrecht tries for a doubt leg as the round ends.
Winner: Ed Albrecht wins via unanimous decision (29-28 on all cards)
The best part was Albrecht’s corner getting yelled at post fight by the Combative Sports rep for entering the cage. Nice to see them taking charge.
Dale Walters (0-11) vs. Karter Holthusen (1-0)
Round 1) Holthusen almost immediately shoots and gets the double leg. He lands in cross side control and Walters holds a headlock. Holthusen clears the headlock and quickly takes mount. He briefly goes for an Americana before switching to an arm triangle and hopping back to side control. Walters has nothing left to do but tap.
Winner: Karter Holthusen wins via submission due to arm triangle at 1:13 of the 1st round
Note to Karter: don’t promise a KO next fight, just tap mother f***ers out.
Lucas Luloff (0-0) vs. Dana Gostomczik (0-0)
Round 1) How Gostomczik is 170 pounds is anyone’s guess, he’s f***ing huge. I’m also not spelling Gostomczik this entire fight. So, Gost comes out bouncing and clearly looking for a shot, which he gets in the form of an aggressive single leg, immediately taking mount and throwing hammer fists. Luloff survives and tries for an armbar, then a triangle, both of which Gost stands out of. Lull tries for one more armbar as the round ends. Luloff is bleed under the eye as he walks back to his corner.
Round 2) They two circle and Luloff gives up his back trying to avoid a takedown. Gost immediately sets up an rear naked choke and Luloff falls to his butt. Gost keeps the choke and sprawls. Luloff goes limp, the ref steps in to save Luloff’s life.
Winner: Dana Gostomczik wins via technical submission due to being unconscious at :51 of the 1st round
Recipe for the perfect Bourbon Old Fashioned
3 parts your favorite bourbon
1 small orange wedge
1 pure cane sugar cube
A few dashes of Angostura bitters
No, there is no cherry in this recipe. You should have got rid of the cherry in your teens.
Place the sugar cube on a napkin and cover with a few dashes of bitters. The napkin will absorb the excess bitters. Place cube in rocks glass along with wedge of orange. Make sure not to muddle the pulp or the rind of the orange as it will add an unwanted bitter taste. Add a dash of bourbon and some clear ice. Mix. Then more bourbon and more ice. Mix. Repeat for four or five layers. This will properly chill your cocktail and mix all the elements together.
Adam Gilligan (5-4) vs. Otis Hamilton (2-1)
Round 1) Hamilton takes an early shot, but can’t finish the takedown. Gilligan lands a few solid shots and almost turns a takedown counter into a falling kimura, but Hamilton straightens his arm and escapes. Gilligan goes for a solid armbar, but Hamilton stacks and eventually passes to side control, then back with one hook, landing some very serious punches from there. Gilligan tries for one more kimura as the round ends, but gives up side control again.
Round 2) Hamilton opens with a power double and turns that into mount. Gilligan turns over and Hamilton lands some hard shots. The ref steps in as some shots land on the back of the head, the two are stood up. Gilligan looks whobbly. Hamilton lands a nasty uppercut then a right cross that stiffens Gilligan like a board and drops him like a gun shot. Gilligan is out.
Winner: Otis Hamilton via knockout at 1:06 of the 2nd round
I’m guessing there is a picture out there of the look on my face as Gilligan went down. That punch was so hard that it hurt me.
Doug Deback (5-3) vs. Blake Bilder (2-0)
Round 1) Bilder gets the immediate takedown into top half guard and works to pass to mount, going to a momentary guillotine before passing fully. Bilder gives up mount for an arm-in guillotine he can’t finish. Deback stands and drops a punch as the round ends.
Round 2) A few light exchanges and Bilder catches head and arm control, dragging Deback to the ground, passing to the side. Deback gets a reversal and moves momentarily to mount. Bilder sweeps back to top half. Bilder tries a jumping arm-in guillotine and Deback slams him to the mat as the round ends.
Round 3) Deback is leading with his right instead of setting it up with his jab, but he catches Bilder, who stumbles back to the mat. Deback gets top half guard and tries an arm triangle set up and guillotine before getting turned over to bottom half guard. The ref stands the two and Deback goes quickly for a takedown attempt that Bilder sprawls out. Deback ends up in bottom half again for a moment before Bilder passes to full mount. The fight ends with Bilder throwing punches to the downed Deback.
Winner: Blake Bilder via unanimous decision (20-27, 30-27, 29-28)
I’m not sure how it ended up that I am sitting under the air-conditioner, but I appreciate that the ring girls are too. Especially the one with the flower tattoos. Well done.
Ash Majok (4-2) vs. Sam Nelson (2-2)
Round 1) Majok ties up early and moves to the cage. He spends a lot of time pulling for a double before finally getting Nelson to the mat. Nelson momentarily tries for an arm-in guillotine, but lets it go. Nelson works back to his standing, but Majok pulls the takedown again landing in mount. Nelson umpahs beautifully to top closed guard and unleashes punches, only a few of which are returned by Majok as the round ends.
Round 2) Majok ties up and Nelson gets a headlock takedown. Majok sneaks out the back and Nelson tries to turn into guard, but Majok slips his arm under Nelson’s chin and locks up the rear naked choke. Nelson taps quickly.
Winner: Ash Majok via submission due to rear naked choke at 1:05 of the 2nd round
Bryan Mortensen (6-3) vs. Jake Ouradnik (6-1)
Round 1) Mortensen catches a kick and takes Ouradnik down…not spelling that all fight either…Our ties up and angles for an armbar. Mortensen stands and passes to half, holding an arm-in guillotine from the top. Our turns Mortensen over. Mortensen works for a kimura, then cage-walks for an armbar, but Our stands and drops a hard right. They stand as the round ends.
Round 2) Mortensen tries a spinning back kick and gets power slammed for his efforts. In closed guard, Mortensen works wrist control and bump sweeps his way to mount, taking his time, trying to pick his shots. Our give up his back but turns into closed guard as the round ends.
Round 3) The first minute, I was thinking about turtles. The second and most of the third minute I was thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve eaten Big League Chew. Close fight…I dunno…split decision?
Winner: Jake Ouradnik via unanimous decision (29-28 on all cards)
Chick fight. Yeah!
Jessica Bulver (2-0) vs. Chelsi Westdrop (2-0)
Round 1) Bulver comes out like an animal. I had a sexist metaphor at first, but I’m better than that sometimes. Westdrop is forced to tie up. Repeat. Westdrop tries for a trip and Bulver keeps throwing flurries. Westdrop just works to slow the frenetic pace of Bulver as the round ends.
Round 2) Bulver starts the round leading with a hard right. Westdrop catches a kick and Bulver grabs the cage to avoid the trip. Westdrop ties up and Bulver reverses a leg trip, ending up in top half guard, eventually standing up. Westdrop follows, looking tired. Bulver flurries again and they trade a few shots as the round ends.
Round 3) The pace has slowed and Westdrop relies on counter punches to Bulver’s combinations. Bulver eats a hard right and Westdrop gets the headlock takedown. Bulver gets guard but Westdrop passes. Short time, but Westdrop is not being aggressive. Bulver is able to stand as the round ends. Westdrop wins the round, Bulver wins the fight.
Winner: Jessica Bulver via unanimous decision (29-28 on all cards)
I’ve never heard Morgan Freeman narrating an entrance before. Well played Vo.
Erik Vo (6-7) vs. Carl Deaton (4-1)
When I first saw this fight on the card I thought it said “Deaton vs V.D.”, which is really a different kind of fight, but I’m all for sexuality education. Now I see that his opponent is Erik VO. Oops.
Round 1) Vo is bouncing around the cage and Deaton shoots. Vo sprawls the cage, but Deaton is able to pull out the double into open guard. Vo stands and Deaton trips him back down, passing to side but Vo stands. The ref breaks the action and Daton catches a kick eventually getting the takedown and moving toward Vo’s back. The round ends there.
Round 2) Wrestlin’ and Vo takes a shot to the jewels. Insult to injury/boredom. I just saved you five minutes with that summary.
Round 3) Stuff happens here.
After the fight, Vo doesn’t hide his displeasure at the lack of actual fighting in lieu of collegiate wrestling. Though one might argue that to if you hate wrestlers...learn to sprawl.
Winner: Carl Deaton wins via split decision 29-28, 28-29, 29-28
Chick fight! Save me.
Driller Promotions 115 pound championship
Kyna Sisson (4-1) vs. Raquel Magdaleno (5-1)
Round 1) Magdaleno alternates punches high and low. Sisson takes a left hook to the chin and drops. The ref waves it off.
Winner: Raquel Magdaleno via TKO at :28 of the 1st round
Co- Main Event
Driller Promotions Welterweight Championship (5 Rounds)
As usual for 5 round fights, I invoke my right of Prima Nocta… which is either my right to only write a single sentence about each round regardless of entertainment (nothing against either fighter, I just hate 5 round analyses), or it’s my right to have martial relations with new brides on their wedding night. I’m cool either way, better they know disappointment now…
Josh Treseler (6-4) vs Kyle Todd (6-2)
Round 1) Treseler almost breaks Todd’s arm with his crazy bottom cross headlock Americana (Todd’s arms must be f***ing rubber). Then Treseler gets knocked out. Arguably twice.
Okay, it was a short fight, I’ll recap a little. Treseler went for the same crazy Americana that he got at the Myth fights and it looked pretty sick, but somehow Todd escaped. The two stood and Todd stiffened Treseler with a brutal punch. Treseler hit the cage, dazed and Todd backed away, presumably thinking Treseler was out, but then moved in and landed two more nasty punches to seal the deal and force the ref to step in. There. Happy?
Winner: Kyle Todd via KO at 1:47 of the 1st round
No one can say that Treseler wasn’t given a chance to defend himself.
Adam Schumacher (5-3) vs. John Castaneda (2-0)
Round 1) The pace is fast and nasty as both men take turns getting takedowns and being in dominant positions. Castanada gets a second takedown and Schumacher tries a little rubber guard, but Castaneda is able to move to mount. Schumacher escapes and they stand. Castaneda rocks Schumacher and pounces on the down fighter. Schumacher's corner erupts with yelling, convinced that Castaneda is punching their man in the back of the head. Castaneda doesn't slow his pace and Schumacher is forced to tap to strikes, rolling on the ground, holding the back of his head as Castaneda celebrates his victory.
Winner: John Castaneda via submission due to strikes at 3:32 of the 1st round
This one ended a little weird. Some of the strikes could have been to the back of the head, but I would need to see a replay. The greater interest was in Schumacher's reaction. As no stranger to head trauma, I can't say that I've ever grabbed the back of my head in pain.
On my resume, I have six concussions, two from football, three from boxing/kickboxing, and one from rock climbing where I actually bashed the back of my head on a f***ing mountain ledge. I did hold the back of my head, but that was to keep all my blood from draining out of my skull.
I've also been headbutted and had my head slammed in a icehouse door over an argument about how many minnows I was supposed to eat.
What the f*** was I talking about?
Oh yeah, given their heated reactions, I wouldn't be surprised if Schumacher and his corner didn't present a case for a no contest. Perhaps the theatrics at the end of the fight were with purpose...
Still, awesome fight!
I'm sleepy and a little disturbed after hearing a song on the radio called "Detachable Penis". I like you JackFM, but you're weird.