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Driller MMA: Mecca IV Results (04/26/14)

Sometimes, at night, when I'm not trying to think of something to write that will be wildly misinterpreted, I like to read. I got about halfway through Curious George and the Suprise Party when I realized I just couldn't handle the mounting tension anymore so I moved to something a little lighter: Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail.  Having little to no interest in politics, but having enjoyed Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Rum Diaries and The Hell's Angels, I figured I'd give myself a rare glimpse into the world of mud slinging through the eyes of gonzo journalism. As suspected, most of the s*** went straight over my head. Either it was a societal disconnect or it takes a reader with greater information and sensibilities than I to interpret. Either way, it was a pretty slow read. And he uses the N-word, which made me feel uncomfortable in my suburban, lower-middle class home. Though one passage in particular caught my eye. It was a passage that spoke to me as a hack writer--one who has been chastised as often as praised: "So much for Objective Journalism. Don't bother to look for it here--not under any byline of mine; or anyone else I can think of. With the possible exception of things like box scores, race results, and stock market tabulations, there is no such thing as Objective Journalism. The phrase itself is a pompous contradiction in terms."

~ Hunter S. Thompson

This inspired me, but not in the way you might think. While I never refer to myself as a journalist and I do--believe it or not--believe that I am objective when it comes to MMA fights. My views and comments have nothing to do with a fighter as a person. Who you are outside the cage doesn't matter to me.

You win or you lose. That's your job.

It's cold and callous...and objective.

So, instead of writing round play-by-plays, I am literally going to phone this one in. No write ups, just results via text...with possible witticisms because since there are like seven bars Iin this place, thus be drunk as a monkey.

I mean, come on, if you can't throw a f***ing jab, how am I supposed to not call you out on it? With or without a bloody mary, two screwdrivers and four tallboys...

AMMY

Dion Kriz (0-1) vs. Charlie Anozie (2-1)

Results: Charlie anozie via TKO at 2:40 of the 1st round.

Dale Walters (0-12) vs. Ed Albrecht (1-1)

Results: Ed Albrecht via submission due to rear naked choke at :29 of the 2nd round

You know honey badger, there are Gyms in and around the eagan area that teach boxing and grappling...

Khaled Afara (0-0) vs. Marc Gomez (0-1)

Results: marc gomez via TKO at 2:29 of the 1st round...after 40 or so unanswered punches from mount 

Marc gomez has both the most lively crew and the most emotional post-fight reaction this side of nate quarry. damn.

Drew Breckling (0-0) vs. Michael Jokondo (1-0)

Results: Michael Jokondo via submission due to triangle choke at :57 of the 3rd round.

Dani.

*sigh* It's just not the same when she isn't really here.

INTERMISSION

Ash Majek (5-2) vs. Nick Palmer (3-4)

Results: Ash Majek via unanimous decision (29-28, 29-28, 30-27)

Not gonna lie,all the smarta** comments i had loaded up involved "watch out for that left hand"/KO jokes...so...damn...

Lightweight Title Fight

Alex Wiggs Jr. (4-0) vs. Cameron Gilliam (8-1)

Results: Cameron Gilliam via submission due to triangle choke at :50 of the 2nd round.

PRO

Ben Neumann (6-3) vs. Jeremy Castro (11-13)

Results: Ben Neumann via submission due to rear naked choke at 2:00 of the 1st round.

So, i kind told Ben's cornerman Garret's i wouldnt comment on his voice cracking, but...I'm a liar. Oh, and Ben did a move worth YouTubing.

Rick Jackson (4-2) vs. Mike Zimmer (3-2-1)

Results: Mike Zimmer via submission due to rear naked choke at 3:58 of the 1st round.

INTERMISSION...i want a taco...

Starr Roberts (4-19) vs. Roland Larson (1-6)

Results: Roland Larson via submission due to heelhook at 2:45 of the 1st round.

So, I hear there's this thing in Thailand called a "tiger show"...I wanna train in thailand...

Featherweight Title Fight

Jordan Neer (5-0) vs. Nick Compton (9-3)

Results: Nick Compton via submission due to armbar at 2:51 of the 1st round.

Serious tough points to Compton for getting spiked twice going for the first armbar and staying calm enough to lock up the second. damn.

Welterweight Title Fight

Nate Howe (7-2) vs. Ben Smith (9-2)

Results: ben smith via unanimous decision 49-46, 48-47, 48-47  

And the "getting blood on me" streak continues...

By the way, best f***ing fight ive seen in a loooong time.

Satisfied? I don't give a s***.

Chaos at Canterbury 5 (2/22/14) Quick Results

5

[insert words here]

Wish I could have been here, but don't worry, you better believe I was doing something awesome as a part of my rockstar lifestyle.

...I was crying over what my life has become and my eyes were too puffy and swollen to drive.

Quick Results:

Jason Huntley defeated Dale Walters via submission due to kimura at 2:54 of the 1st round.

Jason Allred defeated Ben Anderson via  TKO, unable to continue after the 2nd round.

Dustin Murphy defeated Jesse Rogge via submission due to rear naked choke at :31 of the 1st round.

Clearly the kid is at his best when he has errands to run as soon as the fight ends.

Otis Hamilton defeated Garrett Sowman via unanimous decision (29-28 on all)

Eric Johnson defeated Joe Cook via unconsciousness due to rear naked choke at :30 of the 1st round.

Nate Hoffman defeated Jake Immel via KO due to a knee at :09 of the 2nd round.

Pat Magdaleno defeated Brian Learn via TKO due to punches at 0:19 of the 1st round.

That's what happens when you attend a BJJ seminar by a legend...you get a TKO.

Randy Lene defeated Alex Figueroa via submission due to guillotine choke at :30 of the 1st round.

Ben Locken defeated Ben Miller via TKO due to punches at 1:41 of the 1st round.

Kyle Todd defeated Drandon Stoyanoff via submissions due to punches at 1:12 of the 1st round.

Time to fight Nick Diaz. Use those camp connection son! I know I would, my only camp connections resulted in a LOT of therapy sessions as an adult.

Pam Sorenson defeated Christina Jobe via submission due to guillotine choke at :46 of the 1st round.

Chelsi Westrup defeated Hope Sanfter via unanimous decision (29-28 on all).

Berta Gray defeated KC Scott via TKO due to punches at 2:41 of the 1st round.

Kevin Asplund defeated Matt Larson via submission due to rear naked choke at 2:24 of the 1st round.

Ben Neumann defeated Matt Rider via submission due to triangle choke at :58 of the 1st round.

Sean Richman defeated Jesse Wannemacher via unanimous decision (50-45, 49-46, 48-47)

Because, you know, having three different angles on the fight means three COMPLETELY different scores. 

John Castaneda defeated Derrick Mandell via unanimous decision (29-28 on all).

My eyes are still puffy, I'm going back to bed.

Mecca 3 at Epic (01/11/14) MMA Results

mecca

When trying to choose the right salsa dance studio for you, there are a lot of things to consider. Do not, I repeat, do not take this decision lightly.

First you need to think long and hard if salsa dancing is really for you. Sure the Latin rhythms can get into your blood, even your very soul, admittedly, I'm not immune to such temptation, but that doesn't mean you are ready for the sort movements involved in highly skilled salsa dancing.

Sure, you can do your research, you can learn the terms and the moves on youtube: cross-body lead, reverse cross-body, copa, reverse copa, hook turn, enchufe, enchufe doble and sombrero.

It also doesn't mean that just because you and your partner signed up for lessons that you will be the next Candice & Lautaro.

candice

So make sure to take your time and really consider if salsa dancing is for you.

I'm in kind of a weird place right now.

So you can expect more of this s***.

Fights

Dale Walters (0-12) vs. Sam Khom (0-5)

Round 1) Admittedly, I’m not really paying attention as this fight starts so I’ll save the actual specifics for YouTube. Not expecting this fight to get out of the first, Walters comes out in his traditional aggressive fashion, though neither seems to be presenting anything solid in the way of striking or grappling skills. Oh, case in point, Walters gave rubber guard a shot…okay…and now Khom has a headlock…is Walters actually choking? Are you f***ing kidding me? He tapped.

Results: Sam Khom at 2:44 of the 1st round via submission due to headlock/bulldog choke (yeah, you read that correctly)

Raul Rodriguez (1-2) vs. Lucas Luloff (0-1)

Round 1) Luloff starts off the round working some boxing and throws a flurry that gets Rodriguez concerned enough to tie up. Luloff keeps the action against the cage and Rodriguez slips in an uppercut right before Luloff breaks off and throws another strong flurry. Both men start throwing heavy hooks and the round ends with Luloff tying up.

Round 2) Rodriguez’s nose is bloody and the two trade leg kicks before Rodriguez ties up again. The action stales for a while and the ref is finally forced to break the two. Luloff lands a leg kick and a right cross then gets a thai plum. It looks like Luloff wants to throw knees (illegal in ammy fights). The round ends with Luloff controlling the action, but not landing any additional shots.

Round 3) Rodriguez, probably sensing that he is behind, comes out the aggressor and it is Luloff that ties up. It looks like Luloff wants a single, but Rodriguez easily stuffs it and gets side control out of it. Luloff gets his guard back and it looks like Rodriguez gives a single tap to an armbar, but the fight continues and Rodriguez slips out, back to cross side. Luloff does what he can to minimize the head and body shots and is able to stand as the round ends.

Results: Lucas Luloff via unanimous decision (28-28 on all cards)

Alex Wiggs (1-0) vs. Charlie Anozie (2-0)

Round 1) Wiggs hits a hard leg kick and Anozie shoots in and Wiggs is able to reverse the takedown, but Anozie doesn’t stay down for long. Wiggs goes for the double as they stand and Anozie adjusts quickly as the land, locking up what appears to be a very tight triangle…how is Wiggs not tapping…how did Wiggs escape? Damn. Anozie stands and the two circle as the round ends.

Thank you Deejay St. Joel for making Dani bounce.

dani

I can't believe you missed the live version. Look at her, it's like she's staring in the the spot where my soul used to be. You know, before I drowned it in cheap whiskey, 80s power ballads and shame.

I'm just kidding. I don't have any f***ing shame.

Round 2) Anozie’s right eye is bruised as the round starts and immediately goes for a body lock. Wiggs goes for a guillotine, but Anozie takes it to the ground and passes to side control. Wiggs holds the headlock and Anozie tries to find the Von Flue choke, but Wiggs is able to escape and stand again. They circle and Anozie shoots again, HOLY F***! Wiggs with a monster belly-to-belly suplex slam! Anozie gets back to open guard and slows the pace as the round ends.

Round 3) Anozie is on the receiving end of another huge belly-to-belly and is almost able to get a sort of modified lasso sweep, but Wiggs stands again. The two tie up against the cage…they break, circle, tie up again…Wiggs hits another belly-to-belly and Anozie tries to snag an arm, but Wiggs ends up in top half guard, landing shots as the round ends.

Results: Alex Wiggs via unanimous decision (29-28, 30-27, 29-28)

Dustin Murphy (3-1) vs. Ed Albrecht (1-0)

Round 1) Both men come out with authority, but it’s Murphy that’s able to control the pace. Albrecht circles away toward the cage and both men throw flurries. F***! Albrecht goes stiff for a moment from what looks like a Murphy right hand. Albrecht drops to the mat and tries to cover up, but Murphy adds a few more and the ref waves it off.

Results: Dustin Murphy via TKO at :29 of the 1st round (keeping the much appreciate fast knockout streak alive might I add)

An often over looked method to potty train a puppy it to immediately scoop up the puppy when you catch it starting to go to the bathroom. Hold them in a seated position with their tail between their legs (even if it’s a little messy) and get the dog to the grass all the while saying “outside, outside, outside”.

Place the puppy on the grass and let it finish it's business. Even if  your dog doesn’t have to go anymore, praise the dog for doing a good job. This will reinforce not only where they are supposed to go, but that going to the bathroom is a good thing. Scolding the dog for going to the bathroom will only confuse them and make training more difficult in the future.

Andrew Conway (2-1) vs. Ty Bowling (1-0)

Round 1) Conway rushes in with some off balance strikes and Bowling has no trouble getting the double leg and passing to half guard. Bowling passes to side control, but Conway gets half guard back. Bowling starts throwing body punches, Conway turns to escape, but Bowling keeps the control and lands some solid head punches. Conway is forced to move back to half guard and cover as the round ends.

Round 2) Bowlings hands are low as he throws some slapping leg kicks, it’s no surprise when he goes for and gets the double leg. Conway is able to get open full guard and Bowling passes to half. Conway nearly gets the sweep, but Bowling bullies him back down. The ref stands the two fighters and Conway goes for a reaching uppercut, only to be hit with a huge double. Bowling gets mount and keeps punching til the ref steps in.

Results: Ty Bowling via TKO at 2:08 of the 2nd round

Pro Fights

Clarence Jordan (3-1) vs. Bobby Ferrier (8-23)

Round 1) Jordan comes out quick working combinations and Ferrier does what he can to keep up with the pace. Jordan shoots in, but Ferrier is able to sprawl. It looks like Ferrier is trying to sink in a 7-year-old choke, but Jordan is able to escape. Jordan works to Ferrier’s back and quickly sinks hooks and the rear naked choke. Ferrier taps.

Results: Clarence Jordan via submission due to rear naked choke at 1:25 of the 1st round

Carl Deaton III (5-1) vs Brian Learn (20-18-3)

Round 1) Learn is the aggressor with jabs and leg kicks, but Deaton hits the double leg, landing in closed guard. Learn tries to angle out, but Deaton starts landing some heavy punches, forcing Learn to turn over. The ref pauses the action due to punches to the back of the head. The two fighters stand, but not for long. Deaton gets the takedown, passes, Learn turtles and Deaton punches until the fight is stopped.

Results: Carl Deaton III via TKO at 4:00 of the 1st round

 

Should you ever accidentally break a glass on your floor, use a piece of bread to wipe up any small fragments that you might not be able to see. It can be white bread or wheat. Gluten free isn’t really bread, so don’t use it. Do not eat the bread after you’ve used it.

 

Mike Zimmer (3-2) vs. DeAngelo Curtis (2-4)

Round 1) They trade shots right away, but Zimmer sticks out a half dozen crisp jabs that makes Curtis circle away. Zimmer has a couple solid combinations before Curtis hits a slamming takedown and avoids a triangle attempt. Zimmer is able to escape and Curtis ties up. The action is paused as Curtis lands a couple elbows to the back of Zimmer’s head. Curtis is deducted a point by the ref and Zimmer takes time to recover.

As they start again, Curtis gets a single and Zimmer works to lock up a kimura, but Curtis keeps his arm straight and avoids. Curtis stays aggressive in top half guard and Zimmer is able to stand momentarily right before the round ends. That point is gonna haunt…

Round 2) Curtis opens up with some head kicks attempts and it is Zimmer that gets the bear hug takedown against the cage. Curtis gets full guard and they eventually stand. Curtis sticks a jab and throws a superman punch, Zimmer responds with a few punches and a knee. Curtis gets another takedown to half guard, where the round ends.

Round 3) Curtis goes for a takedown and almost lands in a triangle. Zimmer is able to sit up and Curtis gets full guard. Curtis turns control the arm and turns his hips over, looking for a belly-down armbar. Zimmer defends…and defends…and defends. Eventually, Curtis lets the sub go and moves to the back looking for hooks over what appears to be an open RNC. The round ends with Curtis in control.

Results: Majority draw…see, I told ya so. 28-28, 29-27 (Curtis) and 28-28

 

Jordan Fass (8-4) vs. Chase Waldon (5-1)

Round 1) Fass forces the clinch against the cage and Waldon delivers some surprising knees and short elbows, but Fass maintains control against the cage working knees and…shoulder butts? The clinch FINALLY breaks and Waldon comes out with a vengeance. He starts throwing some fierce punches and kicks…did I just use the word “fierce”? Fass shoots but Waldon sprawls and keeps working until the round ends.

Round 2) Waldon lands a vicious overhand right that sends Fass to the canvas. Waldon pounces, but Fass rolls and moves to an omoplata, then a heel hook. It looks deep and Waldon looks in pain, but he is able to endure and escape. They stand and Waldon bullies it back to the ground. Waldon looks in pain as he moves to Fass’s back, but can’t find the choke…s***, so much is happening, I can’t follow it all. Check the fight out when it posts on YouTube. Fight of the Night.

Almost didn’t notice that Dani just bounced by. Almost.

Round 3) Fass wants to tie up early, but Waldon wants the trip even more, bringing the fight to the ground. Fass gets his guard back...sorry, just being a fan, no details… Fass looks for a kimura and almost gives up his back in the process. Waldon dives forward for a guillotine and Fess is able to hold out until the round ends.

Results: Chase Waldon via unanimous decision (30-27, 29-28, 30-27)

Mike Hernandez (4-1) vs. Marvin Blumer (8-3)

Round 1) Hernandez stays mobile and works his boxing, but Blumer continues to pursue without cutting off the angle. Hernandez continues to work his hands and Blumer finally finds a double leg takedown. Hernandez is back to his feet quickly. They separate and Hernandez bounces away. Blumer stays patient and pursues. They trade some nasty punches as the round ends.

Round 2) Hernandez opens with more boxing and movement. Blumer stays in the pocket and kinds a home for his right cross. Hernandez drops to his chin and his eyes got blank for a moment. Blumer pounces, gets his hooks and flattens Hernandez out. The punches start and don’t stop until the ref has seen enough.

An impressive win against a very able striker…but someone please cap Marvin’s microphone time to something under 10 minutes.

Results: Marvin Blumer via TKO at 2:49 of the 2nd round

Tony Zelinski (6-2) vs. Melvin Blumer (8-2)

Round 1) Buncha kicks…it went to the ground…I’m sorry, I’m sure these guys trained really hard and all, but I’m exhausted after the last few fights. I’ll let ya know if anything important happens.

Round 2) Stuff.

Round 3) Blumer goes Marco Ruas (learn your MMA history) on Zelinski’s leg. Zelinski topples in pain and Blumer lands a couple punches before the ref calls it off. Zelinski is in obvious pain and needs to be helped out of the cage.

Results: Melvin Blumer via TKO at 2:05 of the 3rd round

Zach Juusola (9-2) vs. Codie Kahler (4-0)

Round 1) Both men trade single punches and kicks without a combination. The bridge of Kahler’s nose appears to have been cut. Juusola looks calm and circles as he looks for his strikes and takes advantage of his reach. Another punch puts Kahler on his butt, but the ref stops the action because some dips*** spilled a drink off the balcony.

Kahler isn’t showing the same aggression that he’s previously been known for. Crap, I got blood on my computer again. Kahler’s face is showing a lot of damage and he can’t seem to find an answer for what Juusola is presenting. The round ends with Juusola controlling the pace.

Round 2) Kahler comes out with a couple of jump kicks and finally lands a solid cross that forces Juusola to attempt a takedown, but gets stuffed. Juusola comes back with a combination and a couple of knees. The hits keep coming and Juusola lands about three dozen punches, kicks and knees that go unanswered. The ref has seen enough.

Results: Zach Juusola via TKO at 1:44 of the 2nd round

 

If porcupines developed their quills as a defensive measure over millions of years of evolution, how did whatever it was before it had quills survive that long? I mean, it’s basically just a big guinea pig. That’s the kind of s*** that keeps me up at night.

That and the whiskey spins.

 

Billy Christianson (9-3) vs. Dan Kiser (11-3)

I’m torn over who to root for. I love the country boy Christianson’s brawling, but Kiser helped me find my wallet. Decisions, decisions. This would be so much easier if I was an unbiased “journalist”.

Crap, is this a five round fight? Not that these two are prone to going the distance, but…it’s about 11:30pm, so, fingers crossed.

Round 1) Both men put out feelers, Christianson tries for a heel kick then blocks a head kick from Kiser. Christianson rushes in and throws a big flurry, catching Kiser with what looked like a left hook. Kiser drops to his knees but stands. Christianson drops him again and follows him to the ground getting both hooks in and digging for a rear naked choke. Kiser cage-walks away and Christianson gets a body triangle. Kiser continues to defend. Christianson turns it to mount at the warning and lands a few more shots before the round ends.

Round 2) Christianson is showing a nasty left hook and he bullies Kiser against the fence. Christianson gets a single and Kiser pulls for a guillotine, Christianson gets to mount and turns for an armbar, but Kiser slips out. Christianson stands and lands a falling punch as he passes to cross side. Kiser turns for an armbar, but Christianson pulls free. Kiser locks up a triangle! But Chirstianson pulls free! Another triangle from Kiser! CHRISTIANSON TAPS OUT! AMAZING FIGHT!

And now there is an exchange of words. Christianson appears pissed that Kiser might have held the choke too long after he tapped. Admittedly, after replay, it did look held a little long.

They hug it out.

Jesus, don’t miss watching the replay of this fight. Amazing from both fighters.

Results: Dan Kiser via submission due to triangle choke 2:56 of the 2nd round

 

Jesus, I’m exhausted just watching that. Gnite.

Chaos at Canterbury 4 (12/14/13) MMA Results

chaos4

As of late, I've been in the midst of a downward spiral of self-destruction. I drank too much, made inappropriate jokes and comments, took no time to consider the struggles others endured and about a dozen other things that are exactly the same as how I am when I'm not having a crappy day.

So, I guess that nothing actually changed.

Damn, self-realization can be a bitch.

I suppose that now is about the time that I should ramble about something or another, but I'm a little boozed up. Yup, day drunk. So I'll just sit back and watch these 16 fights and wait for snark and inspiration to strike all on their own.

Or after I drink some more.

Or after I see Dani. Who should have won the mother f***ing X-girl contest.

I mean, duuuuuuude.

dani

Picture doesn't even do the boy shorts she has on justice.

Fights.

Marc Gomez (0-0) vs. Michael Jokondo (0-0)

Round 1) The two are trading slapping legs kick early…for a while…Jokondo goes for a jumping switch kick and starts to find a little more aggression in his strikes. Gomez sticks a couple solid punches and Jokondo gets the double to get out of trouble. Jokondo lands in top half guard and stays there as the round ends.

Round 2) Both fighters have switched to punches but nothing solid lands. Jokondo starts to find accuracy in his strikes, but Gomez catches a kick and gets Jokondo to the ground. Jokondo gets closed guard and goes for a sloppy armbar, refusing to let it go despite a few hammer fists to the face. The round ends.

Round 3) You know, for what could potentially be a 1-1 fight, neither fighter seems to have any urgency. I stopped paying attention. Decision.

Result: Michael Jokondo via unanimous decision (30-27 on all cards)

 

Wait, is Shover entering to “Little Drummer Boy” or am I drunk?

Both. Weird.

Brian Shover (0-0) vs. Michael Walsh (0-0)

Round 1) Shover seems distracted by the audience pre-fight, but comes out swinging. Walsh returns the favor and clichés up, spinning Shover to the ground and ending up in guard. Walsh stands and tries to pass. Shover sits up, but gives his back and Walsh is all over it working an RNC, then to mount, then to back, then somewhere in between, strikes the whole way through. The ref has seen enough. A dominant debut for the Combat Ju Jitsu fighter.

Result: Michael Walsh via TKO at 1:21 of the 1st round.

 

Erik Newman (2-0) vs, Jason Huntley (3-2)

Round 1) Newman feels out a couple kicks then gets the single leg. Huntley scrambles to get half guard, almost getting a sweep to mount, but establishing full guard. Huntley stands, but Newman gets it back to the ground. Huntley fights to stand again and the round ends with Newman trying for another takedown.

Round 2)  Newman with another takedown as Huntley is looking to size up the knockout punch. Newman passes to side control, but Huntley gets back to guard. Huntley starts working for a kimura, but Newman passes to half guard as the round ends.

Round 3) Newman may be wearing some tiny muay thai shorts, but he is rocking the wrestling with another takedown. Huntley struggles to stand and Newman is able to get back with hooks. He rides that to mount, but Huntley is able to escape and get top side, hopping to the side going for a locked-in arm-triangle. It looks tight, but Newman’s corner is counting down the seconds left in the round. It’s going to a decision.

Result: I can’t really believe this one…it’s a draw. 29-28, 28-29, 29-29. One judge giving round 1 a score of 10-10. While Newman got the takedowns, he wasn’t “going for anything.” Go figure. I’m as surprised as you are.

 

 

Marc Renville (3-4) vs. Calvin Grube (3-1)

Round 1) Renville comes out with a muay thai stance and Grube counters with an uppercut. Renville shoots and Grube stuffs, tying up and falling for a cutting armbar. Renville escapes, but stays head down, working Grube’s ribs. Grube keeps threatening a kimura and stuffs for a solid triangle as the round ends.

Dani is bouncy tonight. Yeah me!

Round 2) Renville is the aggressor, but they tie up and Grube jumps guillotine. Renville escapes, but seems disinclined to posture up. Grube moves back and forth between threatening kimura, guillotine and triangle. Renville passes to half guard, but Grube rolls him over. Renville sets up his own triangle as the round ends.

Round 3) Renville is looking strong with his combinations and Grube has no response. Finally Grube retreats, rebounding off the cage and getting the double leg. Renville works quickly locking up a fast triangle and hooking Grube’s leg. The tap comes quickly.

Result: Marc Renville via submission due to triangle at 2:24 of the 3rd round.

Stephanie. That is all.

Darrien Mackiel (1-2) vs. Dustin Murphy (2-1)

Round 1) Murphy comes out aggressively with kick combinations, but Mackiel responds with a stiff jabs that seems to stumble Murphy. Mid scramble/stumble, Murphy is able to put leather to Mackiel’s chin and Mackiel sprawls to the canvas. Murphy follows with another punch, but the ref is already waving it off.

Result: Dustin Murphy via KO at :20 of the 1st round

 

The other day I was listening to Alone by Heart and I could help but wonder if it was the single greatest music video of all time. It has an exploding piano, a backlit trio of guitarists (none of whom are discernible as male or female), a f***ing horse for some reason, and some amazing vocals. If they make better, someone better let Kanye know.

Tony Francis (3-6) vs. Charles Anozie (1-0)

Round 1) Anozie fakes the superman punch and ties up, eventually, getting the trip to side control. Francis works to his feet, eating a couple of uppercuts. Anozie stays tied up and drags it back to the ground. Francis holds the bottom cross headlock and almost gets Von Flue choked. Francis is able to stand but Anozie bullies forward, locking up the Marcelotine and finishing it from mount.

Result: Charlie Anozie via submission due to guillotine choke at 2:00 of the 1st round

Wayward MMA fans may be the only more delusional fans than football fans. I have been listening to a couple guys behind me all night (seated behind one of the corners no less) yell about who should do what, or what they are doing. They haven’t been right once. Did someone let the Submissions 101 crew in here?

Jesse Rogge (3-5) vs. Jesse Wannemacher (5-2)

Round 1) Rogge ties up immediately and tries for the takedown, but Wannemacher sweeps out of it and they go back to standing. Rogge slips, but Wannemacher lets him stand. Wannamacher lands a nice 1-2 and Rogge jumps guillotine and closed guard, it is deep, but Wannemacher escapes. The round ends with Rogge looking for the closed guard sweep, controlling Wannemacher’s posture.

Round 2) Rogge comes out strong with leg kicks, but Wannemacher is patiently sizing up his punches. Wannemacher keeps landing his two-punch combination. Rogge is getting worn down quickly. Wannemacher  wants the knockout, but Rogge just won’t go down. With ten seconds left in the round Wannemacher unloads. Rogge has a granite chin, but his legs look like rubber.

Round 3) Wannemacher is keeping it simple but very effective with his punches. God damn it! I got someone’s blood on me again! I think it is from Rogge, but after spinning away from the cage, I think Wannemacher cuts his brow on the back of Rogge’s head. Rogge is bleeding badly now, it looks like he cut the back of his head on the cage. Wannemacher stands, but Rogge stays on his knees, touching the back of his head. The ref yells to fight, but Rogge waves it off.

Result: Jesse Wannemacher via verbal submission at :58 of the 3rd round

Dale Bennett  (0-8) vs. Mark Sainci (0-0)

Round 1) Bennett rushes for an immediate double leg, but Sainci turns it away and takes mount. Sainci turns away, but Bennett stays on him. Bennett tries to buck up as Sainci punches and the ref misses the cage grab. Bennett turns away and Sainci gets his hooks and sinks the RNC. It’s over.

Result: Mark Sainci via submission due to rear naked choke at 1:07 of the 1st round.

Matt Larson (2-3) vs. Shane DeZee (14-21)

Round 1) Larson rushes DeZee and immediately ties up, getting a bear hug takedown to top half guard. Larson postures quickly and starts dropping elbows and hammer fists. DeZee is trying to defend, but can’t seem to get out from under the barrage. DeZee turns toward his stomach. Larson stops punching and the ref waves it off. Dezee appears to be unconscious.

Result: Matt Larson via knockout at 1:09 of the 1st round

 

Garrett Olson (8-5) vs. Reese Hernandez (7-3-1)

Round 1) I gotta admit, I’m kind of zoning out here. Nothing against the fighters, I'm just sleepy...drunk. I’ll let you know how it ends up…

Result: Reese Hernandez via submission due to rear naked choke at 3:something of the 1st round.

Nate Howe (5-2) vs. Jesse Midas (5-6)

Round 1) Midas throws heavy hands early and Howe wants the takedown. Midas sprawls and Howe sits out and into bottom half-guard. Midas holds a headlock and Howe is able to work back to guard. Midas stands up out of an armbar and the two square up. Midas tries for a falling kimura, but Howe defends and is able to work his way to Midas’s back. He sinks in the choke. Midas resists, but the choke is locked.

Result: Nate Howe via submission due to rear naked choke at 2:13 of the 1st round

Nate Hoffman (5-5) vs. Marcelo Nunes (0-0)

Round 1) Nunes ties up quickly and works from the clinch, eventually dropping for a double and ending up in top half guard. Nunes gets head and arm control and is able to reposition Hoffman and take mount. Hoffman turns over and Nunes gets a body triangle. Hoffman defends well and Nunes shifts to take the armbar from back. Hoffman resists, but can’t hold out. It’s over.

Result: Marcelo Nunes via foregone conclusion… I mean, submission due to armbar at 3:06 of the 1st round

Victor Moreno (42-19) vs. Benjamin Smith (9-2)

Round 1) Smith tries for an early spinning back kick, but Moreno trumps the cool move meter with a belly-to-belly takedown, landing in top half guard. Smith tries to pull a guillotine, but Moreno defends. Smith grabs for an Americana shoulder lock, but it is cross body, he can’t…oh s***, yes he can. Moreno verbally submits and holds his arm in pain.

Result: Benjamin Smith via submission due to almost-impossible Americana at 1:38 of the 1st round. Submission of the night in a night full of submissions.

 

Dani again. Word. Mother f***ing word.

Jose Pacheco (7-5-1) vs. Dan Moret (5-0)

Round 1) Moret opens with a trademark flurry and Pacheco wants none of it, tying up. Moret gets the leg trip into closed guard. Pacheco ties up head and arm control, but is almost totally inactive save for the occasional sweep attempt, one almost ending with Moret in back control.

Round 2) Moret opens with a hard body kick but misses up top and Pacheco gets a takedown with Moret’s back. Moret slips out and lands a couple standing shots before ending in top half guard. Pacheco turns and gets into closed guard. Moret attempts the armbar and Pacheco passes to side control. Moret reverses to top side and sinks in a north/south choke. Pacheco taps quickly.

Result: Dan Moret via submission due to north/south choke at 3:17 of the 2nd round

A much needed finish for Moret after two straight, uncharacteristic decisions. A great 2nd round, maybe this was submission of the night.

MAIN EVENT

DRILLER PROMOTIONS LIGHTWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

Yes, that means five rounds. Normally I would remind you all that means I will be giving about 1 sentence to each round, but I don’t know that this fight will go outside of the 1st round. Bit ‘o’ bad blood here.

Damion Hill (9-2) vs. Jordan Parsons (8-1)

Round 1) Parsons opens up first, but Hill lands the first solid punches. The two are out for blood early, throwing hard and often. Parsons shoots for a takedown and Hill sprawls, grabbing for a guillotine and trying to pull it from half guard. Parsons postures out and grabs a guillotine of his own. It is deep but Hill won't tap. Parsons refuses to let go. It is deep...and it is over!

Result: Jordan Parsons via submission due to guillotine choke in the 1st round

Lots of subs tonight made me happy. Dani and Stephanie made me happier.

Gnite.

Mecca 2: MMA at Mystic Lake Results (11/02/13)

mecca

A Day In The Life

I awake to the sound of salsa music. Confusion sets in as I neither own a salsa CD, nor tune my radio to a salsa station. All of my radios are tuned sadistically to Prairie Home Companion.

Rolling out of bed, I step over a dog. I no longer check to see if it's my dog, just a dog. Lately, I've started to fall asleep without making sure all of my doors are closed. Sometimes I get strays.

Out of coffee filters, I a left over Twix from Halloween. It must be November. No, that's what they want me to think.

The television glows with the Prozac and espresso-enema infused smiles of morning news anchors. The screen goes black as grab my laptop and opt for MMA news.

“[Some fighter] complains about Ronda Rousey”

“[Some fighter] complains about pay”

“[Some fighter] complains about TRT”

“[Some fighter] complains about NSAC judges”

There is no way to know what day it is. The cycle never changes on weeks without UFC PPVs.

My good sweatpants are dirty. I spend the next five minutes contemplating the series to events and repercussions that have led to a life where I can- and do- differentiate between “good” and “bad” sweatpants. Or a world in which I own more than one pair of sweatpants.

There are 3594 unread message in my inbox. I mark the overdraft notices from my bank as a phishing scam. I’ve long since abandoned opening any email that doesn’t contain job openings or promises of a celebrity sex tape involving Kim Kardashian in which she actually seems to be interested and enjoying herself…watch it for yourself (again) the sound is looped. She dubbed her own sex tape…jesus…

I watched the new one with her look alike Myla Minaj or whatever. It made me feel itchy and sad.

Over the last five months I can hardly remember the days of searching for jobs and taking a PAWG (look it up, you’re welcome) break. I can rarely pronounce the images I see these days. Words can’t describe without fear of people trying to revoke my 1st Amendment rights.

Side note to Japan: What the f***? Why are you blurring that out? To fool me? I mean, that is inappropriate, but a cartoon tentacle is completely acceptable?

I check my fridge. I have two 1.75s of booze, an expired bottle of lime juice, a large bag of Mickey Mouse shaped chicken nuggets from Costco and several empty six-pack rings. I already know that I will eat mac and cheese. Then, being too lazy to boil water again, I will eat a packet of Ramen dry, like a large, salty chicken-flavored Dorito.

I won’t be on the mat today, so I have no need to self-motivate with BJJ highlights. Instead I send out a couple of resumes and start a nonsensical cycle between music videos. Africa by Toto, Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson, Rosanna by Toto, Survivor by Destiny’s Child, Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley, Sister Christian by Night Ranger…and it goes on and on…

The hardest decision I will make all day (besides the decision not to give up and go to bed at 6pm) is deciding between watching the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie or the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 episode “Double 007” starring Sean Connery’s brother, on my phone.

I fall asleep deciding.

Disorientation sets in as I awake on the toilet. How did I get here? The churning in my stomach from all the processed starches provides an answer.

There are fights tonight, I think. Lack of preparation being my MO, I am out the door in a hoodie and jeans that make my sweats look like Armani.

I scan the fight card on my phone as I drive, I only recognize a few names. I know I’ve covered most of their fights in the past, but their names are as foreign as those of my own family. And much like my own family, they have a small window to earn my respect (like that matters). And, exactly like my own family, if they actually do earn my respect, there is a good chance I will forget about them by the time I reach the parking lot.

Guess what, that’s all the longer your win matters. Get back to work.

I pull into the parking lot and take a couple of slugs off the flask in my trunk to help dull my natural desire to rant instead of “report” the world as I see it.

Before I enter the venue I freeze, a single question scrolls through my head: whose life have I just revealed? While there are parallels to my day, I can only speculate as to what forces drove me to make all this s*** up instead of just getting on with reporting the fights. Perhaps it was boredom, perhaps a cry for help.

Probably the latter.

FIGHTS

Ed Albrecht (0-0) vs Darrien Mackiel (1-1)

Round 1) Mackiel lands a solid right to open and Albrecht  slaps a few leg kicks. Mackiel eats a hook as he closes the distance and Albrecht  forces him to the fence. Mackiel catches a kick and trips Albrecht, ending up in top half guard. Albrecht gets a lockdown on the leg, but the two stand quickly. A tie up and Mackiel throws a flurry before tying up again. The round ends with Albrecht against the cage.

Round 2) Mackiel leads with a teep and the two exchange combinations. Albrecht cuts off the cage and Mackiel lands a few solid shots, but Albrecht pushes the pace forcing Mackiel against the cage. Mackiel is punching flat footed and Albrecht drops for a takedown, almost giving up a guillotine. Jesus, why do I always get blood on me at fights. The round ends with me distracted. Big surprise.

Round 3) Albrecht throws heavy early on. He then jumps for an arm-in guillotine that he can’t finish and Mackiel briefly  moves to mount. The two stand. Mackiel is bleeding from the nose and from a cut above the eye. Albrecht tries for a doubt leg as the round ends.

Winner: Ed Albrecht wins via unanimous decision (29-28 on all cards)

The best part was Albrecht’s corner getting yelled at post fight by the Combative Sports rep for entering the cage. Nice to see them taking charge.

Dale Walters (0-11) vs. Karter Holthusen (1-0)

Round 1) Holthusen almost immediately shoots and gets the double leg. He lands in cross side control and Walters holds a headlock. Holthusen clears the headlock and quickly takes mount. He briefly goes for an Americana before switching to an arm triangle and hopping back to side control. Walters has nothing left to do but tap.

Winner: Karter Holthusen wins via submission due to arm triangle at 1:13 of the 1st round

Note to Karter: don’t promise a KO next fight, just tap mother f***ers out.

 

Lucas Luloff (0-0) vs. Dana Gostomczik (0-0)

Round 1) How Gostomczik is 170 pounds is anyone’s guess, he’s f***ing huge. I’m also not spelling Gostomczik this entire fight. So, Gost comes out bouncing and clearly looking for a shot, which he gets in the form of an aggressive single leg, immediately taking mount and throwing hammer fists. Luloff survives and tries for an armbar, then a triangle, both of which Gost stands out of. Lull tries for one more armbar as the round ends. Luloff is bleed under the eye as he walks back to his corner.

Round 2) They two circle and Luloff gives up his back trying to avoid a takedown. Gost immediately sets up an rear naked choke and Luloff falls to his butt. Gost keeps the choke and sprawls. Luloff goes limp, the ref steps in to save Luloff’s life.

Winner: Dana Gostomczik wins via technical submission due to being unconscious at :51 of the 1st round

Recipe for the perfect Bourbon Old Fashioned

3 parts your favorite bourbon

1 small orange wedge

1 pure cane sugar cube

A few dashes of Angostura bitters

No, there is no cherry in this recipe. You should have got rid of the cherry in your teens.

 

Place the sugar cube on a napkin and cover with a few dashes of bitters. The napkin will absorb the excess bitters. Place cube in rocks glass along with wedge of orange. Make sure not to muddle the pulp or the rind of the orange as it will add an unwanted bitter taste. Add a dash of bourbon and some clear ice. Mix. Then more bourbon and more ice. Mix. Repeat for four or five layers. This will properly chill your cocktail and mix all the elements together.

Enjoy.

Adam Gilligan (5-4) vs. Otis Hamilton (2-1)

Round 1)  Hamilton takes an early shot, but can’t finish the takedown. Gilligan lands a few solid shots and almost turns a takedown counter into a falling kimura, but Hamilton straightens his arm and escapes. Gilligan goes for a solid armbar, but Hamilton stacks and eventually passes to side control, then back with one hook, landing some very serious punches from there. Gilligan tries for one more kimura as the round ends, but gives up side control again.

Round 2) Hamilton opens with a power double and turns that into mount. Gilligan turns over and Hamilton lands some hard shots. The ref steps in as some shots land on the back of the head, the two are stood up. Gilligan looks whobbly. Hamilton lands a nasty uppercut then a right cross that stiffens Gilligan like a board and drops him like a gun shot. Gilligan is out.

Winner: Otis Hamilton via knockout at 1:06 of the 2nd round

I’m guessing there is a picture out there of the look on my face as Gilligan went down. That punch was so hard that it hurt me.

Doug Deback (5-3) vs. Blake Bilder (2-0)

Round 1) Bilder gets the immediate takedown into top half guard and works to pass to mount, going to a momentary guillotine before passing fully. Bilder gives up mount for an arm-in guillotine he can’t finish. Deback stands and drops a punch as the round ends.

Round 2) A few light exchanges and Bilder catches head and arm control, dragging Deback to the ground, passing to the side. Deback gets a reversal and moves momentarily to mount. Bilder sweeps back to top half. Bilder tries a jumping arm-in guillotine and Deback slams him to the mat as the round ends.

Round 3) Deback is leading with his right instead of setting it up with his jab, but he catches Bilder, who stumbles back to the mat. Deback gets top half guard and tries an arm triangle set up and guillotine before getting turned over to bottom half guard. The ref stands the two and Deback goes quickly for a takedown attempt that Bilder sprawls out. Deback ends up in bottom half again for a moment before Bilder passes to full mount. The fight ends with Bilder throwing punches to the downed Deback.

Winner: Blake Bilder via unanimous decision (20-27, 30-27, 29-28)

I’m not sure how it ended up that I am sitting under the air-conditioner, but I appreciate that the ring girls are too. Especially the one with the flower tattoos. Well done.

Ash Majok (4-2) vs. Sam Nelson (2-2)

Round 1) Majok ties up early and moves to the cage. He spends a lot of time pulling for a double before finally getting Nelson to the mat. Nelson momentarily tries for an arm-in guillotine, but lets it go. Nelson works back to his standing, but Majok pulls the takedown again landing in mount. Nelson umpahs beautifully to top closed guard and unleashes punches, only a few of which are returned by Majok as the round ends.

Round 2) Majok ties up and Nelson gets a headlock takedown. Majok sneaks out the back and Nelson tries to turn into guard, but Majok slips his arm under Nelson’s chin and locks up the rear naked choke. Nelson taps quickly.

Winner: Ash Majok via submission due to rear naked choke at 1:05 of the 2nd round

Bryan Mortensen (6-3) vs. Jake Ouradnik (6-1)

Round 1) Mortensen catches a kick and takes Ouradnik down…not spelling that all fight either…Our ties up and angles for an armbar. Mortensen stands and passes to half, holding an arm-in guillotine from the top. Our turns Mortensen over. Mortensen works for a kimura, then cage-walks for an armbar, but Our stands and drops a hard right. They stand as the round ends.

Round 2) Mortensen tries a spinning back kick and gets power slammed for his efforts. In closed guard, Mortensen works wrist control and bump sweeps his way to mount, taking his time, trying to pick his shots. Our give up his back but turns into closed guard as the round ends.

Round 3) The first minute, I was thinking about turtles. The second and most of the third minute I was thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve eaten Big League Chew. Close fight…I dunno…split decision?

Winner: Jake Ouradnik via unanimous decision (29-28 on all cards)

 

Chick fight. Yeah!

Jessica Bulver (2-0) vs. Chelsi Westdrop (2-0)

Round 1) Bulver comes out like an animal. I had a sexist metaphor at first, but I’m better than that sometimes. Westdrop is forced to tie up. Repeat. Westdrop tries for a trip and Bulver keeps throwing flurries. Westdrop just works to slow the frenetic pace of Bulver as the round ends.

Round 2) Bulver starts the round leading with a hard right. Westdrop catches a kick and Bulver grabs the cage to avoid the trip. Westdrop ties up and Bulver reverses a leg trip, ending up in top half guard, eventually standing up. Westdrop follows, looking tired. Bulver flurries again and they trade a few shots as the round ends.

Round 3) The pace has slowed and Westdrop relies on counter punches to Bulver’s combinations. Bulver eats a hard right and Westdrop gets the headlock takedown. Bulver gets guard but Westdrop passes. Short time, but Westdrop is not being aggressive. Bulver is able to stand as the round ends. Westdrop wins the round, Bulver wins the fight.

Winner: Jessica Bulver via unanimous decision (29-28 on all cards)

 

PRO FIGHTS

I’ve never heard Morgan Freeman narrating an entrance before. Well played Vo.

Erik Vo (6-7) vs. Carl Deaton (4-1)

When I first saw this fight on the card I thought it said “Deaton vs V.D.”, which is really a different kind of fight, but I’m all for sexuality education. Now I see that his opponent is Erik VO. Oops.

Round 1) Vo is bouncing around the cage and Deaton shoots. Vo sprawls the cage, but Deaton is able to pull out the double into open guard. Vo stands and Deaton trips him back down, passing to side but Vo stands. The ref breaks the action and Daton catches a kick eventually getting the takedown and moving toward Vo’s back. The round ends there.

Round 2) Wrestlin’ and Vo takes a shot to the jewels. Insult to injury/boredom. I just saved you five minutes with that summary.

Round 3) Stuff happens here.

After the fight, Vo doesn’t hide his displeasure at the lack of actual fighting in lieu of collegiate wrestling. Though one might argue that to if you hate wrestlers...learn to sprawl.

Winner: Carl Deaton wins via split decision 29-28, 28-29, 29-28

Chick fight! Save me.

Driller Promotions 115 pound championship

Kyna Sisson (4-1) vs. Raquel Magdaleno (5-1)

Round 1) Magdaleno alternates punches high and low. Sisson takes a left hook to the chin and drops. The ref waves it off.

Winner: Raquel Magdaleno via TKO at :28 of the 1st round

 

Co- Main Event

Driller Promotions Welterweight Championship (5 Rounds)

As usual for 5 round fights, I invoke my right of Prima Nocta… which is either my right to only write a single sentence about each round regardless of entertainment (nothing against either fighter, I just hate 5 round analyses), or it’s my right to have martial relations with new brides on their wedding night. I’m cool either way, better they know disappointment now…

Josh Treseler (6-4) vs Kyle Todd (6-2)

Round 1) Treseler almost breaks Todd’s arm with his crazy bottom cross headlock Americana (Todd’s arms must be f***ing rubber). Then Treseler gets knocked out. Arguably twice.

Okay, it was a short fight, I’ll recap a little. Treseler went for the same crazy Americana that he got at the Myth fights and it looked pretty sick, but somehow Todd escaped. The two stood and Todd stiffened Treseler with a brutal punch. Treseler hit the cage, dazed and Todd backed away, presumably thinking Treseler was out, but then moved in and landed two more nasty punches to seal the deal and force the ref to step in. There. Happy?

Winner: Kyle Todd via KO at 1:47 of the 1st round

No one can say that Treseler wasn’t given a chance to defend himself.

 

Main Event

Adam Schumacher (5-3) vs. John Castaneda (2-0)

Round 1) The pace is fast and nasty as both men take turns getting takedowns and being in dominant positions. Castanada gets a second takedown and Schumacher tries a little rubber guard, but Castaneda is able to move to mount. Schumacher escapes  and they stand. Castaneda rocks Schumacher and pounces on the down fighter. Schumacher's corner erupts with yelling, convinced that Castaneda is punching their man in the back of the head. Castaneda doesn't slow his pace and Schumacher is forced to tap to strikes, rolling on the ground, holding the back of his head as Castaneda celebrates his victory.

Winner: John Castaneda via submission due to strikes at 3:32 of the 1st round

This one ended a little weird. Some of the strikes could have been to the back of the head, but I would need to see a replay. The greater interest was in Schumacher's reaction. As no stranger to head trauma, I can't say that I've ever grabbed the back of my head in pain.

On my resume, I have six concussions, two from football, three from boxing/kickboxing, and one from rock climbing where I actually bashed the back of my head on a f***ing mountain ledge. I did hold the back of my head, but that was to keep all my blood from draining out of my skull.

I've also been headbutted and had my head slammed in a icehouse door over an argument about how many minnows I was supposed to eat.

What the f*** was I talking about?

Oh yeah, given their heated reactions, I wouldn't be surprised if Schumacher and his corner didn't present a case for a no contest. Perhaps the theatrics at the end of the fight were with purpose...

Still, awesome fight!

I'm sleepy and a little disturbed after hearing a song on the radio called "Detachable Penis". I like you JackFM, but you're weird.

Havoc at High Five 2 Results (06/29/13)

Image

 

Carl Jung once proposed the idea of collective unconscious.

Poop.

Sorry, that has nothing to do with anything really, I just have a core audience and need to keep their attention early.

Anyway, the idea is that all of humanity have a psyche that organizes experiences. An interesting concept when you get a bar full of people there to see their friend, sibling, training partner punch the ego out of another man.

There was  Freud reference in there just for the s*** of it. I've only had one beer and I'm just warming up.

Anyway, I was thinking about this concept in terms of how, if we are all going to survive in a society and no devolve to the level of mindless beasts, that there needs to bee some kind of segue from beings of social distinction, education, mores, even just general tact into a sub-species of blood thirty, beer drinking savages.

Or, if you're fun, you don't need to segue at all and just hang out on the lower rung with me. I'll bring the tallboys.

 

Caleb Merth (0-0) vs. Mike Steger (1-0)

Round 1) Dunno, missed it.

Round 2) Dunno, missed it.

Winner: Caleb Merth via submission due to rear naked choke at 1:53 of the 2nd round

 

Mark Sainci (4-0) vs. Jason Huntley (2-1)

Round 1) Sorry, I was busy typing the last stuff, but I heard one of the announcer, maybe it was that Pasta Sauce guy, say that the transitions were sloppy. Oh, there's a RNC. Why do the fights go quickly when I'm not there?

Winner: Mark Sainci via submission due to RNC at 2:something of the 1st round

Hey, Ben's in the cage. That's new.

Yes Ben, you did get in trouble for ripping on ring card girls...all of this makes a lot more sense if you listened to the live feed. I'm only on my second tallboy, tequila is next.

Angel Pacheco (3-3) vs. Matt Turek (3-0)

Round 1) Turek gets the immediate double (announcers being racist and asking if it was racist). Pacheco digs for a standing kimura but can't find it. Turek is spending a lot of energy working for the takedown. They break and both fighters look shy with their strikes. Turek jumps for an arm in guillotine for some reason. Time.

Round 2) Turek eats and early right and gets dropped. The ref is in immediately to stop it. Hard to tell on the feed, could have been a flash knockout, it looked like he went stiff as he dropped.

Winner: Angel Pacheco via TKO at :11 of the 2nd round

 

Jack Shreffler (1-1) vs. Zach Friday (4-0)

Round 1) Friday throws hands early and Shreffler dives in to get out of danger. He is able to slip to Friday's back for a moment and go for a seated takedown, but Friday slips and stands. Shreffler doesn't let do though and drags it right back down, getting both hooks then a body triangle and digging like crazy for an RNC.

Hmmm...the announcer audio is gone. I prefer the voices in my head anyway. They know dirty limericks. Oops, the round ended and there was some kind of illegal upkick from Shreffler.

Round 2) Friday swinging and Shreffler shooting. Friday digs for a standing guillotine and Shreffler falls to avoid, attempting to turn to a heel hook, Friday answers with backhands and Shreffler tries for a toehold that doesn't work. Friday just walks away and Shreffler dives for an ankle pick. Friday sprawls and goes for a guillotine. Friday misses at first, but sticks with it. It's over.

Winner: Zach Friday via submission due to guillotine at 2:something of the 2nd round

Oops, lost sound all together. This may expose how little I actually know about MMA or who is fighting. Wait, did I type that or just think it? Who said that?

PROS

There's a little bit of a break here, so do you all mind if I bare my soul a little? I'm at that tipping point where I think sharing secrets is a good idea and since there is no one around to hug...Bruce Johnson is growing on me.

While my thoughts are generally known on the journeyman fighter that has three times as man losses as wins, some times you just gotta root for the guy despite all common sense to the contrary.

It's not that I have more respect for him, because I don't, it doesn't take "more of a man" to step in a cage. I think that history has taught us the opposite on many occasions. Instead I just kind of like the idea that he poses a different kind of threat when he is in the cage. I mean, he's supposed to lose. But what if...what if...?

Bruce Johnson (15-45) vs. Clarence Jordan (1-0)

Round 1) Despite having 59 fewer fights than his opponent, Jordan comes out the aggressor working his jab. Annnnd, my feed went down. F***.

Okay, no idea how long that was, but they are still on their feed and trading jabs. Johnson tries a superman punch just for s***s and giggles and Jordan ties up against the cage. Johnson is looking a little slow and falling back every time he gets stuck with a jab, but Jordan isn't chasing. I wish these were three minute rounds.

Liesl.

Round 2) Jesus, the announcers' voices just started again and scared the s*** out of me. Jordan is still forcing the action with...I don't know, like, punches and kicks and stuff. Jordan gets the take down and immediately takes the back and sinks the RNC. Johnson holds it off for a moment, but it looks like much like in high school, college, post-grad, my wedding night and most of the 2000's, my dreams have been shattered.

Winner: Clarence Jordan via submission due to RNC at 2:34 of the 2nd round

 

Ben Miller (7-12) vs. Andre Tieva (4-0)

Round 1) Tieva comes out strong with a combo and a head kick. Whoa, that was faster than I expected. A left hook lands on the button and Miller goes down faster than [insert funnier joke than I came up with here].

Winner: Andre Tieva via TKO at :54 of the 1st round.

Diva needs to get put against some better competition. The last two haven't posed enough challenge and he's too talented to have these crucial early fights go against soup cans. Regardless, impressive win. Maybe it's the hair.

 

Frankie Johnson (8-7) vs Jimmy Zidek (9-?)

Round 1) Johnson comes out working hands, Zidek working kicks. Zidek looks a little overwhelmed on their feet and out of nowhere Johnson hits a wrestling suplex and takes the fight to the ground. Zidek rolls it over into Johnson's guard. Johnson starts working rubber guard and Zidek is making no attempt to posture or do anything. The ref stands them appropriately. Zidek starts to come alive and it looks like clips Johnson with a hook. Johnson buckles and Zidek swarms. The ref waves it off! Huge come from behind win!

Winner: Jimmy Zidek via TKO at ?:?? of the 1st round. Couldn't hear over the chattering monkeys.

Fifteen minute break. It's a beautiful night I think it's time to shotgun a tallboy.

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So cold, so good.

Driller Flyweight Amateur Title

For those of you not familiar with my stance on Ammy title fights: I hate five round fights. Thus each round will get only one sentence descriptions. And I can't even guarantee the quality of that sentence.

Huh, finding a bit more about Ben's resume. Ya just never know what you'll hear on the live feeds. Or so I hear.

Mitch White (5-0) vs. Jake Schommer (4-0)

Round 1) Schommer put to sleep with an arm-in guillotine.

Winner: Mitch White via unconsciousness due to guillotine at :36 of the 1st round

Full disclosure: in the three title fights since I refused to do full five-round write ups, all three have ended in the first round. There is no f***ing way I am stopping this policy any time soon.

Bold statement by the announcers that Parsons is "the better fighter in every way" then proceed to at least give a nod to Getzel's grappling.

Derek Getzel (7-4) vs. Jordan Parsons (7-1)

Round 1) Lost signal!? You son of a--it's back. Getzel is working the head movement and Parsons is chasing working the majority of the offense from jabs to head kicks, one of which buckles Getzel but he immediately recovers and shoots for a takedown. He eats another head kick and wobbles again. Parsons forces Getzel to the ground and looks to be having trouble clearing the cobwebs. Parsons misses a head kick and Getzel rushes for the takedown, but Parsons reverses the position and stays on his feet.

Parsons gets a trip to cross sides but stands immediately. The round ends with Parsons in control.

Round 2) The round starts a bit more evenly as both fighters give light exchanges. Derek keeps switching stances between orthodox and southpaw, maybe looking to find a way to get the advantage on the feet as Parsons has slowed his pace in the 2nd. Parsons shoots and gets the takedown maybe in the effort to steal the round.

Round 3) Getzel looks wobbled again with another headkick, but responds with an overhand right. Parsons puts together a solid punch combo but Getzel continues to push forward. Parsons looks like he got rung up with a good right from Getzel, but shakes it off. Parsons ties up against the cage and just misses a knee as they break. Getzel swings a few punches but can't find a target.

Getzel misses a spinning jump kick and Parsons hits a takedown into top side control and moves to the back. Getzel rolls for a knee bar but the round is over. This is going to be a tough loss for one of these two fighters. I'm guessing a 29-28 unanimous.

Winner: Jordan Parsons via unanimous decision (29-28, 29-28, 30-27)

Bed is fifteen feet away. Can I make it that far...

Chaos At Canterbury 2 MMA Results (4/27/13)

Yesterday I spent the night eating sushi and drinking martinis with members of the liberal media at an event [name deleted]. Anyway, it didn’t take me very long to realize that I am not only pretty stupid, but also pretty uninformed. I didn’t know have the names of the politicians, couldn’t place out Governor by face and found it difficult to keep up with people that seem to drink even more than I.

 

All through that, all I could think about was (besides wondering how the f*** I ended up there), was how it was the other side of the railroad tracks for me both socio-economically and intellectually.

 

And it was boring as f***. I really wanted someone to throw a punch, or for one of the old grey hairs to put them on the glass, but no…no…

 

I am a simple man. I like a good steak, whiskey and two men that have the desire and ability to dislocate someone’s jaw. I like a train wreck or a 10-car pile up. I like guys that use some redneck country song for walk out music, fighters that get their own names tattooed across their backs and women stuff into ill-advised outfits (for better or worse).

 

I want some mother f***ing fights! And now I get them. 16 of them.

 

Be careful what you wish for, huh?

 

Erik Skrivseth (0-0) vs. Steve Moore (0-1)

Round 1) The action opens quickly with the two trading shots and flurries. Moore goes for a leg trip with double unders, but Skrivseth is able to reverse it and work to mount. Moore is able to escape and the two stand. Moore works to Skrivseth’s back and is able to get a seated takedown, eventually getting both hooks in. The round ends with Moore digging for a rear naked choke he can’t find.

 

Round 2) Moore shoots early and Skrivseth sprawls perfectly. Moore falls to his back and Skrivseth moves forward with a flurry. Both stand and trade solid strikes. Moore pries for the takedown against the cage and lands in full guard. The action moves across the cage and Skrivseth lands a beautiful upkick that wilts Moore. Unfortunately, Skrivseth isn’t able to finish the fight and the round ends with both fighters on their feet and Moore landing a solid punch combination.

 

Round 3) Moore gets a slow double and stacks Skrivseth against the cage. Skrivseth covers up and defends twenty or so unanswered punches…that’s the whole round…where it started and where it ends.

 

Winner: Steve Moore via unanimous decision (29-28, 30-27, 29-27)

 

Gregorii Zajets (0-0) vs. Ron Weathers (1-1)

Round 1) The two fighters chase after each other trading leg kicks, but it is Weathers that gets dropped with a flush right cross to the chin. Zajets pounces and gets mount, rolling out of it to set up a triangle choke. Weathers tries to slam out of it, but Zajets rolls back to mount and continues to drop punches. Weathers is eventually able to sneak out the back, but right into a guillotine attempt. Zajets switches almost immediately to a tight kimura and Weathers is forced to tap.

 

Winner: Gregorii Zajets via submission due to kimura at 2:43 of the 1st round

 

Josh Treseler (4-3) vs. Sam Nelson (1-1)

Round 1) Nelson lands some strong opening strikes and Treseler circles away covering up. Treseler is able to close the distance and get a slamming belly-to-back suplex. Nelson gets half guard and Treseler flattens him out. Nelson is able to get full guard again and Treseler seems to be having trouble passing. The round ends with Treseler grinding it out from in guard.

 

Round 2) Nelson has the clear advantage on the feet as Treseler’s kicks look off-balance, but Treseler is able to close the distance and get another sick, slamming belly-to-back suplex, landing in cross-side. Treseler works to north/south and gets his arm under Nelson’s chin to sink in the choke. Nelson taps out.

 

Winner: Josh Treseler via submission due to north/south choke at…sorry, missed it, ring girl Liesl…you understand…

 

Logan McPadden (4-3) vs. Nick Reece (3-1)

 

Round 1)  Reece shoots for an early takedown and McPadden sprawls, standing up with a very deep standing guillotine against the cage. Somehow Reece is able to survive and McPadden throws a knee that lands flush with Reece’s face. The ref breaks the fighters and takes a point from McPadden. Reece is okay and works against the cage working for the takedown for the remainder of the round.

 

Round 2) McPadden sprawls again and comes up with another guillotine that Reece is able to avoid….Reece gets a takedown…sorry, kind of drifted in and out of that round. I’ll try better next round. It’s been a long day and I’m hungover as f***.

 

Round 3) McPadden sprawls against another takedown attempt and is able to circle around to Reece;s back getting both hooks, but being a little high to get a choke. Reece turns back into closed guard and the two stand. Reece immediately shoots and gets McPadden to his butt…I want pizza, I’ve been doing a low-carb cleanse and pizza sounds like ambrosia right about now.

 

Winner: Majority Draw (29-27, 28-28, 28-28)…pizza time!

 

Someone in the crowd just came up and asked if I wanted a shot of tequila. I said yes not remembering it was the woman from my infamous announcing fights that I bought tequila for. It’s nice to be infamous.

 

Joe Willson (0-0) vs. BJ Haugdahl (0-2)

 

Round 1) Willson shoots for an immediate takedown and lands in top cross. Willson keeps up a frenetic pace as he lands shots to the ribs and head of Haugdahl. Haugdahl is able to reguard and turn his hips for an armbar attempt. Willson picks him up and lands a hard slam, immediately landing shots to Haugdahl’s face. The rounds end with Haugdahl a little dazed and bloodied.

 

Round 2) Willson hits and outside legs trip and moves to scarf hold. Haugdahl works to walk the cage but Willson holds on tight. Haugdahl starts to stand and Willson gets and arm around his neck. He is out of position, but doesn’t let go. Willson is able to work to the back flat Haugdahl out as he sinks in the RNC. Haugdahl is a tough kid, but he has no choice but to tap.

 

Winner: Joe Willson via submission due to rear naked choke at 1:34 of the 2nd round

 

Nick Schmidtke (2-4) vs. Dalton Albrent (7-4)

 

Round 1) …sorry, I was texting about my infant son and booze…to different people, don’t worry. Anyway, stuff is happening. Albrent avoids a double leg and almost locks in a guillotine as he gets elevated. Schmidtke is able to finish the takedown and Albrent locks up an armbar. Schmidtke lifts him again and slams him hard, moving to cross side. Schmidtke drops a hard, falling punch as the round ends.

 

Round 2) The two trade a few kicks to open the round. Schmidtke lands a nice belly to belly takedown off the cage and gets cross side. Albrent is able to roll away and the two stand. Schmidtke gets the single leg and lands in top half guard. Albrent rolls out again and the two stand. Albrent goes for a single leg and Schmidtke locks up a kimura grip nearly getting an arm bar as the round comes to an end.

 

Round 3) Albrent is looking a lot fresher of the two as he circles around working kicks and punches form a distance but not setting up any combinations. Albrent is taking his time and Albrent closes the distance, tying up against the cage and nearly getting the takedown. There is no urgency for Albrent to finish this fight. Let’s see if the judges agree with his assessment.

 

Winner: Nick Schmidtke via unanimous decision (all judges said 29-28)

 

Oops.

 

Crap, I’m disappointed. No, not on the outcome of the fight. You silly’s. I thought there was going to be a break in the fights and I’d have time to go out to the trunk of my car for some…um…”inspiration”. Sorry, you’re gonna get more of the same for a while.

 

PRO FIGHTS

 

Zak Ottow (2-1) vs. Jesse Midas (5-4)

 

Round 1) The Aryian Barbarian…okay…well, I suppose if Castenada can be the Sexy Mexi… Said Barbarian forces Midas into the cage early. Midas works some knees to the body. Midas looks to have a cut over his eye, maybe from an incidental headbutt. The two work around the cage trading knee shots. Ottow gets Midas to the ground and starts to throw elbows. Midas tries to turn away, but gets stuck and covers up to protect. Ottow lands too many unanswered strikes, the ref calls it off.

 

Winner: Zak “The…I’m not even gonna say it again” Ottow via TKO at 4:00 of the 1st round

 

Sean Casey (2-0) vs. Heath Rud (2-0)

 

Round 1) Both men are throwing a little wild and Rud is able to pull for a takedown and transition to mount against the cage. Casey tries to cage walk and Rud is able to control a wrist as he starts dropping punches. Rud goes belly down and has a look of agony on his face. Rud keeps landing shots until the ref finally saves Casey.

 

Winner: Heath Rud via TKO at 2:35 of the 1st round

 

Break! About f***ing time. I can’t remember where the hell I parked. Thank God it’s a 20 minute break.

 

…now that my nerves have been calmed a bit, I’ve had time to think about life, the universe and all that stuff. Not really, actually I was wondering if there was a Little Caesar’s around here somewhere cuz I could kill for a $5 large pepperoni pizza right about now.

 

For some damn reason both doctors are back in the lockerroom stitching someone up and the fights can’t start again without a ringside doc. I’m gonna have a hangover again by the time this gets going.

 

Jordan Griffin (3-3) vs. Alex Van Krevelen (2-0)

 

Round 1) Van Krevelen (VK from now on) touches gloves and immediately sticks out a cross. The two tie up against the cage and VK lands a couple of nasty hooks, then a trip against the cage. VK has the momentum and works to get Griffin’s back. Griffin drops for a rolling knee bar, but VK turns out of it and takes mount. Griffin turns his back and stands, VK stays tight and works for the RNC. VK lets the choke go, but stays tight. Griffin tries the takedown and VK sprawls, taking the back again. Griffin hits a brutal suplex as the round comes to an end. VK finishes with one more takedown.

 

Round 2) VK’s right hand is finding a home, almost as often as VK is on Griffin’s back…which he is, again. VK looks a little tired as he blocks a high kick from Griffin and a couple more punches. Griffin grabs a guillotine and tries to roll, but VK escapes and they stand. Griffin grabs for another guillotine and it looks TIGHT, but VK survives again. VK passes to half guard and works to Griffin’s back again with a body triangle then drops hard to his back with a slam, VK is forced to let go as the crowd goes crazy. Then VK lands a flush upkick that staggers Griffin. VK pulls hard for a single leg as the round ends.

 

Round 3) Griffin looks spent, but VK doesn’t look that much better. VK blocks another head kick and Griffin rushes to clinch. VK lands a knee as they break and Griffin tries a flying knee to respond. VK sprawls and goes for a single of his own. VK is eating hard hammer fists as he refuses to leg go of the leg. Oh, are you f***ing kicking me?!

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Yes, that is a spray of VK’s blood across my face….pardon me while I find a Wet Nap. Griffin pounces and keeps landing shots but VK won’t give up. Griffin is all over him from top to back. Somehow, somehow, VK survives this amazing fight. Though after that brutal round, it is up to see if the judges gave it a two point round. Fight of the Night so far.

 

Winner: Jordan Griffin via unanimous decision (29-28 on all cards)

 

I haven’t the slightest idea how the judges didn’t give the first two rounds to VK, at worst, this should have been a draw.

 

DeAngelo Curtis (1-2) vs. Vyron Phillips (1-0)

Round 1) Phillips gets the early trip against the fence and lands in top half. Phillips works short shots as Curtis works overhook control. As soon as Phillips postures, Curtis springs up, but Phillips keeps his overhooks and throws the fight back to the ground into cross-side. Phillips traps Curtis’s arm in a crucifix for a moment, but Curtis escapes and gets back to half guard. Phillips passes again and locks up an anaconda grip as Curtis turtles. The two stand and Curtis pulls hard for a takedown that Phillips reverses and lands on top again.

Round 2) Curtis shows some early movement, but it is Phillips that brings the fight back to the ground. Curtis works back to his feet, but Phillips is able to drag it right back down into top half guard. Phillips postures and starts to land some brutal shots that Curtis is just barely able to keep away from. Curtis works a few elbows from the bottom. Curtis turns over and Phillips flops onto his back, but doesn’t secure the position and Curtis is able to turn back to half guard. Phillips stands and lands a few more punches as the round ends.

Round 3) Curtis starts the round looking to keep is range and work strikes a little more, but Phillips only endures for a few moments before taking the fight back to the ground. Curtis goes belly down, but Phillips doesn’t even try to get hooks, moving to the side and throwing a knee to the ribs. Curtis moves back to open guard. Curtis pulls for an armbar out of nowhere and it looks nasty but somehow Phillips is able to maneuver out of it. The ref stands the fight, but Phillips brings it right back to the ground as the round ends.

Winner: Vyron Phillips via unanimous decision (30-27 on all cards)

It’s past my bedtime. I’d like to see three straight first round knockouts please.

 

Garrett Olson (6-4) vs. Chase Waldon (3-1)

Round 1) Both men are thrown heavy early with nothing connecting. Olson dives in for a takedown and Waldon jumps and arm-in guillotine. It actually looks pretty deep and Olson goes to the ground. The ref sees something…Olson is unconscious!

Winner: Chase Waldon via guillotine choke at 0:47 of the 1st round

THANK YOU!

 

Frank Young (16-13) vs. Andre Tieva (3-0)

Round 1) Young starts out the striking and Tieva comes in for the takedown. Young tries to roll through and grabs an arm-in guillotine in half guard. He gets Tieva back to guard and it appears they are talking to each other. Huh. Tieva clears his head and stacks Young against the fence as he drops short shots. Young turtles up and Tieva gets both hooks in, sinking the RNC immediately after. The tap is a foregone conclusion.

Winner: Andre Tieva via submission due to rear naked choke at 2:36 of the 1st round.

THANK YOU!

 

Jason Benson (2-4) vs. Billy Christianson (6-3)

Round 1) Benson falls to his knees immediately after eating a stiff jab. Christianson pounces and gets his hooks immediately! And the choke comes tumbling after.

Winner: Billy Christianson via submission due to rear naked choke at 0:31 of the 1st round

HA! THANK YOU!!!

I know no one believes me that I actually requested that (granted I asked for KO’s), so I actually showed a fellow writer as proof. Thank you fighters, I love you very much. Can we keep the 1st round streak alive? I will take a K.O., sub, whatever. I’m not picky.

 

Stephen Watt (3-1) vs. Dan Moret (3-0)

Round 1) Moret counters with an early jab and ties up against the fence. The two trade reversals off the cage and Watt is able to drag the action to the ground and get top cross side, Moret stays mobile and the two stand. Moret forces the action, but Watt is able to evade. Moret hits a solid kick and ties up, taking the fight to the mat. Watt gets closed guard. Moret is looking to posture for flurries, but Watt does a good job moving. Moret switches to elbows and Watt stands. Moret drives for the takedown that Watt reverses. The round ends with Watt in top half guard. Moret has a big cut under his left eye.

Round 2) Moret works to set up some kicks and stick a few jabs, but Watt really has excellent movement. Watt is able to scoop a takedown and land in top cross side. Moret stands and is able to bully his own takedown. Moret is looking to slice with some elbows as Watt does well to avoid the brunt of the damage. Moret unloads a flurry of elbows and both men stand. Moret moves in and finds his timing on his strikes before getting another takedown. Watt is able to turn it over and Moret closes guard as the round ends.

Round 3) Both men come out with an agenda and are looking for the big shots. Watt goes for a trip, but Moret avoids. Moret lands a good knee and gets the takedown. Watt is able to close up his guard again. Moret starts with the elbows again. Moret stands and lands some kicks to the down Watt’s legs before diving back into guard. The two men stand and the fight ends tied up against the cage.

Winner: Dan Moret via unanimous decision (30-27, 29-28, 29-28)

 

Driller Promotions Amateur Welterweight Championship Fight

 

Gary Granholm (5-0) vs. Elliot Laughlin (2-0)

Because of my standing policy on Amateur title fights, I will give one sentence updates per round, unless inspiration strikes (doubt it, buzz is gone and it’s 11:22 pm with two fights left to go)

Round 1) A lot of yelling in my ear…Granholm gets a jaw crushing RNC.

Winner: Gary Granholm via submission due to rear naked choke at 2:45 of the 1st round

Don’t f***ing boo, you a**holes. Just cuz the local guy lost doesn’t mean you need to be so classless as to boo a guy that just legitimately won a fight.

 

Main Event

 

Matt Larson (4-1) vs. Reese Hernandez (6-3)

 

Round 1) Larson comes out like a bull and immediately ties up and throws knees. He pulls for a takedown and Hernandez lands on top, but Larson is immediately out and on top cross side. The two stand and Laron works some dirty boxing against the cage. Hernandez lands a three punch combination all on target, but Larson pressures back in. Hernandez lands a couple more punches off the cage and Larson is backed up this time. The two go toe-to-toe with Hernandez getting the better of it. Larson’s eye is looking pretty badly beaten at the bell.

 

Round 2) The two square up and Hernandez lands a hard shot that puts Larson on his heels. Larson staggers to the cage and Hernandez swarms him. The ref dives in to save Larson from further punishment.

 

Winner: Reese Hernandez via TKO at 0:13 of the 2nd round

 

Driller/SEG Present Havoc at High 5 (03/23/13)- Results

Image As most of you know, I usually like to start with some rambling diatribe about something stupid, however, I've been on the wagon as of late and, as such, without my usual powers of inane rambling.

As many of you alkies know, once you get off the sauce, it's important to have some other vice to focus on. In my case, it's amphetamines.

(*DISCLAIMER* There is no evidence for or against the writer of this article having ever taken an illicit substances and any speculation off of an unsubstantiated work of fiction shall be considered libelous and just plain naive.)

Fortunately, I have people in my life that are concerned about my health and are able to offer life lessons in an effort to save me from a fated life of prostitution and sub-par writing.

Enter Alex P. Keaton

Image

For those of us old enough to remember the Twins winning a World Series back in 1987, we also remember a very special episode of Family Ties in which APK took amphetamines to help with his studying only to be confronted by his ex-hippie parents. It was very emotional.

Sadly, I have an addictive personality and it wasn't enough.

Enter Carlton Banks.

Image

One time, on a very special episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Carlton mistakenly took amphetamines out of his cousin Will's locker, thinking it was Vitamin K in hopes that it would clear up an inopportune pimple for the school dance. He was rushed to the hospital after some awesome dancing.

It was very emotional. Yet still not enough.

Then there was Jessie Spano.

Image

One time, on a very special episode of Saved By The Bell, Jesse felt so overwhelmed with her school work and extracurricular activities that she took amphetamines to get caught up only to have a breakdown in front of her best friend, Zach Morris. It was very emotional.

It stirred something inside me...down south of the boarder. So I decided to watch Showgirls.

I tell you what, that s*** sobered me right up. Jesse Spano boobs or not, that movie is rancid.

Okay, time for fights.

Ammys

Lydell Miller (3-7) vs. Tanner Walsh (1-0)

Round 1) Miller immediately presses and goes for a standing guillotine. The two fight for cage control and it’s quickly turning into a wrestling match. Walsh gets full guard as the fight hits the ground. Walsh throws up a triangle and fights to tightened, it looks pretty solid, but not great. Miller is pure heart (luck) surviving, but he does.

Round 2) Walsh goes for a trip and pulls full guard. Miller drops a few hammers and stands. Miller lands a solid jab-cross that Walsh wants nothing of and digs for underhooks. Miller gets the fight to the ground and pulls full guard. Miller passes and they stand. Miller sticks a few more solid punches that get Walsh to turn. Miller gets a bear hug from back and drags the fight down. He takes back and locks in a body triangle, but isn’t able to finish before the bell.

Round 3) Walsh tries a head kick and Miller ties up. The fight hits the ground with Miller in bottom half guard with an overhook. He is able to get the sweep and Walsh gets full guard. Miller is throwing heavy shots as he postures in a desperate attempt to win some points to what looks like could end up as a split decision (knowing these judges).

Winner: Lydell Miller wins via split decision. 30-27 (Miller), 29-28 (Walsh) and 29-28 (Miller).

Though, how the f*** a judge could call the first round for Miller is anyone’s guess.

Eric Berg (0-3) vs. Jeffery Brummett (0-1)

Round 1) Very strange kick exchange between the two fireplugs (both fighters are 5’7”). Brummett is giving up 8 pounds at a 181 catch weight against Berg. I dunno, whatever. Anyway, Brummett goes for a spinning kick and slips. Berg pounces like he sees a cupcake, getting top crossbody. Brummett bullies his way back to his feet and is able to force Berg to the ground and take mount. Berg is able to survive the first flurry, but Brummett lands to many unanswered bombs (should have been stopped sooner).

Winner: Jeffery Brummett at 2:15 of the 1st round via knockout…even though it was really a TKO…sigh…

Brandon Bell (3-1) vs. Kyle Todd (4-2)

Round 1) Todd pushes the action and Bell tries to jump guillotine. Todd gets the takedown and Bell works rubber guard. Bell does his best to control posture and it almost looks like he goes for a gogoplata as the round ends. Todd won the round by virtue of landing punches from guard.

Round 2) Todd’s striking is far crisper. Bell jumps and arm-in guillotine. Todd goes to the ground and avoids the choke. Bell goes for rubber guard again. For some reason Todd has no interest in passing guard. Todd finally passes just before the Bell. This one could be a coin-flip.

Round 3) Todd immediately shoots and gets a slamming, pure power, single leg. Bell goes right back to rubber guard. Bell eventually is able to turn and set up an omoplata, but Bell stays calm, postures and passes to turtle control. Todd is able to turn Bell over and take mount just as the round ends.

Winner: Kyle Todd wins via unanimous decision (30-27 for all three judges)

BANTAMWEIGHT TITLE ELIMINATOR FIGHT…

I don’t know what that means…

Adric Kennedy (4-0) vs. Angel Pacheco (3-2)

Round 1) Both men come out and it looks like they are more than happy to trade punches. Early on it looks like Pacheco has the edge in speed, but Kennedy has the edge in power. Pacheco has good head movement and has to block two blistering head kicks. Kennedy presses the action to the cage and lands two body kicks. The second makes Pacheco go to a knee and the ref stops the fight, thinking it was a liver kick.

It wasn’t.

The action restarts and Kennedy slips going for another head kick. Pacheco is able to get back control at the bell.

Round 2) Kennedy is the aggressor this round, but Pacheco stays composed. For a moment it looks like Pacheco could turn the momentum in his favor, but Kennedy gets it right back with a couple of powerful punch-kick combinations. Kennedy wins the round.

Round 3) Kennedy mixes things up and shoots for a takedown, getting Pacheco’s back standing, but isn’t able to get him to the ground. Pacheco comes on stronger as the round progresses, but it isn’t with the kind of urgency he needs for a finish. It looks more like a boxing match, content to win the round. But is it enough to win the fight?

Winner:Adric Kennedy via unanimous decision (20-27, 29-28, 29-28)

Again, how the f*** could anyone say Kennedy won the last round? With that not-quite-a-takedown?

Codie Kahler (2-0) vs. Floyd Hodges (11-6)

Round 1) Kahler gets the early trip and lands in top half guard, but Hodges escapes the back door. Hodges is looking strong with some crisp boxing, but Kahler pushes right in for another trip. He gets it and lands in top mount. He stays patient, solidifies the position then goes to work with hard punches and elbows from wherever he can find them.

Somehow Hodges survives a LONG TIME on the bottom and gets to his feet, but his face is cut and beat badly. Kahler is relentless and pursues with punches, kicks and knees. Twice it looks like Hodges is going down, only to turn and return a couple punches. Guy has a hell of a chin, but no one lasts forever. Finally, Hodges’ legs give out and Kahler pounces. The ref waves it off.

Winner: Codie Kahler via TKO at 3:44 of the 1st round.

Dude…dude…Kahler is a f***ing animal!

Frankie Johnson (10-7) vs. Ben Locken (2-2)

Round 1) With father and Rice Street Gym Owner Johnny Johnson in his corner, Frankie goes to work with his boxing, but it looks like Locken wants to wrestle. Locken gets a strong double and tries to posture and pass to cross-sides, but Johnson is able to throw his legs up and get a tight triangle. Locken taps quickly. Damn nice triangle submission for the boxer.

Winner: Frankie Johnson via submission (triangle choke) at 1:12 of the 1st round

Josh Wiseman (4-1) vs. Donald Williams (2-1)

Round 1) Williams ties up early and tries to throw for the takedown, but Wiseman avoids. They break and Williams lands a solid combo. Williams is looking quick and strong, but Wiseman has great takedown defense. I'm going to go ahead and break down this round in a manner that saves us all a lot of time: Williams gets a lot of takedowns, Wiseman does a good job of escaping bad places.

Round 2) Williams' pace has slowed a bit and Wiseman gets the better of the early exchange. Then more of the same for a while (which from this point on means Williams getting takedowns and Wiseman escaping). Wiseman takes a thumb to the eye when the two are on the ground and takes time to recover. Wiseman comes out aggressive after the break, but Williams gets another takedown as the round ends.

Round 3) Just to mix things up, Wiseman goes for the takedown and Williams gets the better of the follow-up punch exchange. Then it is back to more of the same. Eventually, Williams is able to slip away and get to Williams' back standing, he pulls for a suplex, but just ends up pulling Williams on top as the round ends.

Winner: Donald Williams via unanimous decision (30-27 for all judges)

 

Damion Hill (7-2) vs. Courtney Buck (10-8)

Round 1) Buck starts out the fight looking a little more confident and Hill doesn't seem as composed as previous fights, having trouble finding his range early as Buck plants him with a solid punch. Buck tries to follow up with a knee, but Hill circles away. Buck lands another punch that puts Hill on his butt and again Hill stands. Hill lands a wicked teep kick to Buck's midsection that knocks Buck down. As Buck stands the pace slows as both men have to respect each others stand up. Buck stumbles Hill with another shot and tries to follow it up, but Hill gets a double leg as the round ends

Round 2) Hill shoots for an early takedown and Buck has to pull full guard. Buck throws his legs up and gets a circle, but isn't able to lock in his triangle as Hill stands to avoid. The two start trading leg kicks and Hill starts to look more comfortable on his feet. Hill bullies another double leg and Buck gets full guard with an overhook. The round ends with little action.

Round 3) Hill is finding his composure and hits another double leg takedown. The ref stands after a period of inactivity and Buck comes alive for a few moments with a strong combination. The two are looking tired and trade more leg kicks. Bucks lands a great body kick and Hill drives for another takedown. Buck goes for a kimura sweep from guard, then tries a guillotine, but can't find it. Buck gets a head kick as the round ends.

Winner: Damion Hill via unanimous decision (29-28, 29-28, 30-27)

Are you f***ing kidding me? Buck didn't win the first round after planting Hill twice? What the f*** more do the judges need?

 

FEATHERWEIGHT AMATEUR CHAMPIONSHIP

Nick Spina (8-3-1) vs. Sean Richman (4-0)

You know what, there have been a lot of decisions tonight and this one is a five round fight. Unless I am amazed by something, these are going to be two sentence round descriptions at best. I don’t type well enough to keep up with all this.

Round 1) Richman takes an early shot to the cup and they break…once the fighting starts again, Richman is the aggressor with a strong teep to Spina’s face. Spina circles away, but Richman pursues…there’s my two sentences…DAMN! Richman puts Spina on the canvas! Three hard bombs and Spina is out. Fight over and a new featherweight ammy champ.

Winner: Sean Richman via KO at 1:52 of the 1st round

MAIN EVENT

Steve Merth (6-1) vs. Ben Neumann (5-2)

 Round 1) Neumann comes out with a gap fighting stance, head leaning back away from Merth. Merth gets staggered by a fall-away hook but recomposes as Neumann drives for a double leg. Merth sprawls perfectly and is actually able to get mount out of the exchange. Neumann goes belly down to avoid and barely avoids an armbar. Neumann goes for a heelhook from his back, but Merth turns out of it and gets cross-side control, then turtle landing punches along the way.

They stand and Neumann goes for another takedown, but Merth's sprawl is spot on. Neumann stands and lands a couple of hooks, but Merth forces the action into the cage wall then to the ground. Neumann barely misses locking in an armbar just as the round ends.

Round 2) Neumann is cut early across the left eyebrow and Merth tries to bully him to the ground and into a north/south choke, but Neumann avoids. They stand and Neumann misses another shot. Merth is executing his gameplan perfectly to avoid the dangerous grappler. Neumann goes for a desperation heelhook, then nearly get's Merth's back, but Merth reverses and gets Neumann's back with both hook and digs for a rear naked choke that isn't there.

Merth moves to mount and has to bail, but still maintains turtle control, landing punches all the while. Merth gets mount again then back control AGAIN. Neumann doesn't have an answer for Merth's game, but refuses to give up. Very impressive.

Round 3) Neumann tries to pull a kimura early and transition it into an armbar, but Merth is able to walk around it to avoid. Neumann throws his legs up for a pseudo-inverted triangle, but just ends up inverted and learning why inverted guard doesn't transition from BJJ to MMA after a couple punches to the face. Neumann just can't find the answer he's looking for and is going for any and every submission that he possibly can. Merth is just too composed and willing to disengage and re-engage at his corner's demand. Truly excellent execution, planning and cornering.

Winner: Steve Merth via unanimous decision (I left, but assume 30-27 on all cards, then again, with these f***ing judges, someone let me know if I got it wrong).

This was actually a really great night of fights. Normally, my biggest and really only gripe about fighters is stepping into the cage and not bringing their A-game, but all the guys on tonight's card fought hard and made it difficult for even myself to be a cynical prick.

Either that, or it's the quaaludes.