Downtown Showdown 9 (08/18/2012) Results

This is my first ever write up from Chicago. Just spent the day rolling at an incredible sub-par level, now I'm doing Irish Carbombs and drinking until the mountains turn silver again.

I could get into the actual comp that I just participated in in the demilitarized zone, but I will save that for a later article. Instead I am starting a bit drunker than I usually start. So this might get surly.

Also, at some point I need to switch rooms (don't ask, they say it is hotel policy).

First off, stop saying testicles. Yes, we heard everything on the live feed. All 200 times you said "test, test, testicles". Stop it.

Though, I do appreciate all the F'n on the live broadcast.

Okay, enough. Sorry I don't have more rambling prose this time, but I am in a little pain (pain that gets better with every sip) and let's just f***ing get to it.

Oh, and I don't have a list of fights and I can't hear s*** on the feed so I'm just going to use first names for the most part.

Some Guy Name Clay vs. Some Guy Name Alphonse (or something)

Round 1: The Clay guy gets a little wild with a flurry and gets the takedown, he progresses his position and gets the baseball choke.

No guarantees the rest of this is going to be any better from a "press" point of view.

Winner: That Clay Guy at 2:13 of the 1st Round by Baseball Choke

Mike Waverick vs. C.T. Bailey

Round 1: Waverick pushes the action early and a flurry attempt gets him tossed like a ragdoll to the ground. He recovers guard, but C.T. works towards the back and sinks in a RNC without hooks. It's too deep. Fights over.

Winner: C.T. Bailey at 2:21 of the 1st Round by Rear Naked Choke

Sweet! Got a lineup from my insider, but I'm not going to correct my mistakes, I always look forward to the next beer, I don't get sad over my empties.

Angel Pachelo (1-1) vs. Steven Moore (0-0)

Round 1: Moore gets the head/arm takedown, but Pachelo works back to his feet. The two exchange some blows. Pachelo holds the fence and stays close to Moore. WHOA! Pachelo put Moore to sleep with a huge right cross!

Winner: Angel Pachelo at 1:24 of the 1st Round via KO

Adam Martin (1-0) vs. Sean Richman (0-0)

 Round 1: Is the tall dude Martin? I wasn't paying attention. Crap, the Frosty Mountains taste good. Okay, the two trade some shots, some attempts at flurries. Richman ties up, gets the bodylock, takes the action to the ground. Richman takes his back, sinks in the choke and Martin is OUT!

No, you douches, he isn't actually seizing, well, he kind of is, but he's just waking up. He'll be fine. Pissed, but fine.

Winner: Sean Richman at :46 of the 1st Round by RNC.

Starr Roberts (3-14) vs. Codie Kahler (0-0)

 Round 1: Sorry, I took a car bomb so I kind of got distracted for a moment. So, Codie went for what looks like a pretty good guillotine, but Starr avoided. Then he went for an armbar and it was kind of shallow...hey, that guy's name is Starr. That's kind of weird. Oh, the rounds over. Hey, there's the new ring girl, Emily. She's bouncy too. That's cool.

Round 2:  i was jerking off, well, not really, i stood up for a cookie and this f***ing Pollack just took my spot and decided to say that I was masturbating when it is well documented that I've had whiskey d*** since 1999.

Crap and in the time that it took me to explain that and watch one of the guys do another car bomb I missed a lot of the fight. At some point, Starr took a shot to the junk. Then he stood up and landed a big overhand right. Kahler looks tired, but he is still controlling as the action goes back down to the mat. Damn, Codie is loading up knees to Roberts' ribs as he turtles up. Codie is trying to pound out the win, but the ref isn't stopping the fight. Finally it is over.

The announcers are bitching. I don't care. I want another cookie.

Winner: Codie Kahler at some point in the 2nd Round due to tapout from strikes

Just saw that we get Showtime for FREE in the hotel! Rousey vs. Kaufmann tonight! So there might be a point where I say f you all and start watching that. Please don't take it personally. You get Amy fighting and that will get my attention too.

Zachary Keliso (1-5) vs. Pat Magdaleno (1-0)

Round 1: God d*** it! I missed it again! Magdeleno has the dude face down on the ground because I was trying to tell a guy why it is a bad idea to have a BJJ tournament in which everyone is wearing suits.

Keliso is trying to defend, but he is face down and looking like, well, me when I'm face down: f***ed. What the hell just happened, did Keliso just tap out? What the hell was that? He tapped out to a body lock?!

Winner: Pat Magdelano in the 1st Round via body lock

Okay, I don't know if things are gong on right now. We lost the feed. Well, that's okay, at the moment I was explaining to the guys in the room that standards are overrated. If you are partying or at the bar and you see a lot of 9s and 10s...believe me, they aren't interested. And that 6 with the cute face will rock your world. Do it! Be proud of it!

Stephen Watt (3-0) vs Taurean Bogguess (14-6)

Okay, Bogguess is missing. Bogus! ...that was weak and I apologize. To make up for it I will drink and beer, swear and give a really bad play-by-play of the next fight while watching the Strikeforce fights on Showtime.

Zaur Jalil (3-1) vs. Randy Lene (6-2)

Round 1: Jalil wants a takedown and evvvvvventually gets it. I'm gonna paraphrase: Jalil controls the top for the entire round.

Round 2: Another judo thrown to scarf hold for Jalil (go figure), but Lene isn't going to make it easy and hook the arm to avoid any sub attempts. Jesus, these rounds go face for Ammys.

Round 3: A lot of pawing, the fight to the ground briefly up, Lene drags it back down looking for the guillotine but Jalil avoids and works to look for mount ending in top half. It looks like he is working a zeke choke. The action gets stood up, but not for long. Back to the ground with Jalil on top position as the round ends.

Round 4: Zalil wants it on the ground, but I don't think this is what he had in mind! Lene gets in top quarter guard and he is throwing punches like his life depends on it! It pays off! This fight is over! Rande Lene is the new Ammy champ of some weight that I don't give a s*** about!

Winner: Randy Lene at X of the 4th Round via TKO

Jimmy Zideck (6-5) vs. Nick Kirk (9-1)

Round 1: You know what, my bad guys. Totally missed this one. Here's what happened: drunk dudes started talking. This is why I normally watch fights solo...actually, it's the smell. But still we got to talking about stuff like Amy (it happens in ground of guys), BJJ, MMA, bbq potato chips, how to do a Plan-B sweep and strangely enough, Corwin Nichols. Weird. Anyway, Nick got the sub and I missed it.

For the love of s***! Who is fighting right now? I'm not even going to cover the fight because no one is telling me what is going on. Send complains to gof*** I'm in Chicago, the sound on this f***ing sucks and I'm not many of you know who Kreskin is? About 5% of you... fine...

Wow, I'm the one who posted that and even I'm bored as f*** by that. Sorry. Tell you what, the next time I write an article I'll make sure that there is sarcasm, a lot of attempts at humor and a lot of random Family Guy-esque pull aways. Not enough? How about some self-deprecating humor? Maybe some flashbacks to awkward high school moments.

Now, I know what you are saying, you are saying, "Mr. Choking? How is it possible that you didn't enjoy ever moment of high school? With your defensive whit and veiled cynicism towards the cool kids you should have been at the cool table in the lunch room..."

Uh huh. That's why I drink until I can't feel feelings anymore. How about we get back to the fights so I can stop rambling. 

Oh for the love of God, why am I looking at a naked Polish ass? Chicago is getting a little weird. I miss home. 

Sweet jesus, that was the biggest Irish Car Bomb I've ever drank. 

Listen, I know none of you know what I'm talking about. And I'm sure that come tomorrow, I won't know what the hell any of this means either. But sometimes you just need to buy the ticket and take the ride. I'm gonna get a Pulitzer for this s***.

Crap, now Jacare is fighting. I'm torn...holy s***! I know a lot of you didn't just see that but Jacare just put the hammer down!!! Damn!!!! Okay, now back to the other fights... that I look back on my notes, I don't actually kow at what point I stopped knowing what fight was going on. I've reeeeallly in the bag. I have no idea how long it will take me to get all of the spelling errors out of this one...who am I kidding, I have never once posted an article free of spelling errors. Why do I try. I'm just gonna wait for Hill/Moret.
Randy Kittelson (5-1) vs. Nick Compton (6-2)

I don't know, I'm sorry. These guys could both kick my a**. Is that enough? I'm streaming a fight with horse s*** sound, I'm drunk, dudes are crying, it's getting weird. Oh s***, my oblique is killing me, just starting coughing and almost threw up...just ask me in person to explain. It will make more sense
At least Amy just bounced by.

Damion Hill (10-1) vs. Dan Moret (16-0)

Round 1: First of all, who does these records? Just sayin'...anyway...this is the fight I've been waiting for.

Wait, wait. Are you people f***ing kidding me?! I just heard that Hill got food poisoning and the fight isnt'e happening! I paid $9.99 to get f***ing internet access at the f***ing hotel! If I had know that I would have paid more attention to the earlier fights! I am not happy. Grrr...

The take it in the tailpipe just about sums it up.

Alright, Seacrest out! I'm drunk. G'nite.