Why Your BJJ Game Is S***! Part 2

Okay, some of you have gone out and taken my advise in part 1, getting your ink. You got your name either on your forearm, or on your back (so he remembers in the morning). You got a crucifix on your shoulder. All good. Well played and original.
Trouble is that your game is still faltering. Don’t worry, Papa Choking is here to help.
The problem is that you aren’t rolling like your belt. You need to know your place on the hierarchy and act as-if, in order to not only achieve your maximum potential, but also to be a stereotype in some jacka***es satirical blog posts.
White Belts:
Scramble and flail. I can’t emphasize this enough. Work the numbers. The more you sputter and spaz, the greater the chance that you will accidentally stumble on the right technique. What? You don’t think purples spaz? Catch them in an armbar and tell me again they don’t spaz out.

Make sure to tell people what injuries you are nursing and act like the old pro around the even newer white belts. Your critique of technique is critical. Way more than the guy teaching the class.

Also, make sure you are doing moves that you’ve only seen on YouTube, but never actually practiced before doing full speed.

Blue Belts:
You been there and done that, so anything I have to say, you won’t really listen to anyway. Well done. That’s exactly what you should do. Make sure to keep that attitude in class any time you are going over techniques you have already done once before. Rep it twice then stop and chat about something stupid.
It is important to show your fellow students and the head instructor that because you didn’t go out an open your own gym and self-promote yourself to black belt, that you time is valuable and you can’t be wasted actually repping time-tested moves.
Make sure to make at least the occasional reference to prominent names in the jiu-jitsu world to inspire awe amongst all in ear shot. Spouting their particular philosophy as if it is your own is worth double points. Your instructor will be proud.
Purples:

Destroy them all. You have already outlasted over 75% of everyone that has ever started BJJ. Roll hard against everyone. There can be only one!

Never let up, even if you are doing something you know for a fact is stupid and dangerous. 

At 3:40. Ouch.

Browns:

You are a brown, you don’t need to give a s*** anymore. The world is your oyster, the mat is your playground. Stop trying. Get submitted by anyone and everyone. Call it playing or experimenting.
If you do get caught and you decided to actually try that round, escape. If it is legit, roll your eyes and act like you don’t give a f***, but never let anything like that happen again. Start working micro-x or spiral guard to confuse them, but don’t give out tips.
No, that would be too easy. Don't tell them your secrets. Don’t say anything at all. F*** ‘em.
Black:

For the love of God, don’t roll or compete!!! What the f*** are you thinking?! Your reputation is on the line. What happens if you actually lose?! It will be the end of the world as we know it because the basic principals of BJJ state that a black belt is never ever wrong and no one on the planet is better than you.
Your students will carry your name with them like God herself (Scarlett Johanssen) and everything you say or do is their scripture. Do you want to lose that or something?
If you do roll, make sure it is someone that you can wow with a move they have never seen. Or a mistake that you can call technique.
Try these tips tonight! Guaranteed to have people talking tomorrow!